After Ilos
by slyjinks
Summary: Beginning right after the Battle for the Citadel, and the end of Mass Effect 1. Continuing into and beyond Mass Effect 2. Two years is a long time for some people. For others, it is a blink of the eye.
1. Chapter 1

After Ilos:

Commander Jane Shepard looked up to see a piece of Sovereign falling toward her. She had never expected to survive the Reaper attack, but she had _hoped. _Jane instinctively covered her head and crouched, in the way the school had taught her for quakes back on Earth. She heard the pieces crash around her, and closed her eyes tightly, expecting something which did not come. Jane heard the rest of Sovereign fall, and then, silence. She looked up and saw that she fit perfectly inside a curve in Sovereign's hull. She was trapped for the moment, but with adrenaline rushing through her, she kicked out. Wincing at the wound left from her fight with the re-animated body of Saren, she nonetheless managed to make a small opening. Jane crawled through it, holding her left, damaged arm.

_Paid 10,000 credits for this damn medical interface, and it craps out the first real battle. _

Shepard saw through the rubble the horrified faces of Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and Urdnot Wrex. They must not have seen her emerge from the rubble. Shepard watched as Captain Anderson approached them, trying to get them to leave the site of the battle. Wrex turned to follow, but Kaidan stood, staring.

Jane hurried to him, jumping over rubble.

"Commander? You're-alive." said Kaidan, then let out a loud, uncharacteristic whoop.

"She's alive! By God, she's alive!" he shouted.

Urdnot Wrex turned and grinned hugely, all of his sharp reptilian teeth showing.

"Takes more than an enormous, sentient warship crashing on her head to kill our Commander." said Wrex gruffly, and then charged toward her. He crushed her against his massive chest, twirling her around.

"Down, boy." said Commander Shepard. She laughed, though her arm was killing her.

Wrex put her down, embarrassment showing on his Krogan face. Krogans were not typically known for their displays of affection, and for a warlord such as Wrex, his behavior was unthinkable.

Jane slugged him in the arm. She looked up and saw Kaidan standing in front of her, relief and something else showing on his face. Jane held out a hand for a handshake.

"Lieutenant." she said. Kaidan pulled her into a hug, rocking her back and forth. Shepard gasped, then hugged him back.

"You said this would never happen again." whispered Jane.

"To hell with what I said. I can't believe you made it." said Kaidan roughly.

Jane saw Captain Anderson over Kaidan's shoulder, and pushed Kaidan away.

"Captain." she said.

"Shepard." he said, and then his stern face broke into a grin. "You took out Saren, the geth, and Sovereign. I am proud to have once commanded you." he said.

Jane laughed. "Well, I learned from the best." she said.

Jane heard buzzing in her ear.

"Commander? Shepard, can you hear me? Shepard!" came Joker's desperate voice.

"Yes?" she said, pushing the piece against her ear.

"You're alive! So is the Council, by the way. No small thanks to me, I might add." said Joker.

Jane snickered. "I'll be sure to tell them that."

"Good. Patching them through-"

"Wait, what?" said Shepard, and then heard crackling behind her, signaling an incoming transmission on the holographic projector. "Damn it, Joker." she swore, and then turned around.

"Shepard. The Council owes you a great debt for your part in the battle against Saren and his geth."

"And Sovereign. Don't forget about the Reapers." interrupted Shepard, watching the council squirm at her mention of the Reaper.

"Yes, and Sovereign." said the Asari matriarch.

"Your actions today, as well as the sacrifices of the human species, have earned your kind a place on the Council. Do you have any suggestions as to the person we should appoint? Your word will carry a great deal of weight, as I'm sure you are away." she continued, adeptly changing the subject.

Shepard heard someone approaching, and turned around. Ambassador Udina.

"Of all the people to survive the attack on the Citadel, you have to be one of them." she muttered. His mouth smiled, but his eyes still gave their typical glare.

"In fact, I do have a suggestion for Councilor.." said Shepard, turning back to the projector.

"Commander David Anderson," she said firmly. She heard Udina begin to protest, and she whipped back around.

"You! If you had gotten off your ass earlier, we could have saved the Citadel! Don't you dare say a damn word." she hissed.

"I would be honored. I am sure I have the skills needed to serve the Council." said Anderson proudly. "I am a skilled negotiator."

"Yes, with your fists." said Udina petulantly.

Shepard laughed, thinking of the security footage Tali had showed them of Anderson punching Udina, in order to allow them to escape the Citadel. That footage had proven to be very popular with the Normandy's crew.

"Only with you, Udina." said Anderson softly. "Thank you for your vote of confidence, Shepard.

"Now back to more important matters: the Reapers." said Shepard. "There are more out there, and they will come."

The Council remained silent. Shepard sighed.

"If you won't protect the galaxy, I will." she said, and then roughly cut them off.

"Alenko, Wrex, come with me." she said, and they left for the Normandy.

The celebration on the Normandy that night was loud, raucous, and thoroughly against regulations. Shepard laughed at the look on Kaidan's face when a drunk Dr. Chakwas stumbled by.

"Relax, Lieutenant. This is a Spectre ship. Plus, we just saved the whole damn Council." said Jane, relaxing against the wall.

"I suppose." he said. "I've never gotten publicly drunk on a military vessel, is all."

"Can you believe that we're alive? The only reason I am sure I haven't died and gone to heaven is because Ash isn't here. Oh, and I don't believe in the afterlife." said Shepard, taking a long pull from her flask.

"Here's to atheism, Commander." said Garrus, holding up a glass of strange-looking liquid. "I'd hit glasses, but cross-contamination would be a very, very bad thing."

Early into the morning, Shepard stepped around passed out crewman, and entered the cockpit.

"Hello Joker." she said. "Not joining the celebration?"

"Never know when we might need to make a quick getaway, Commander. Plus, I can't." said Joker. "Interferes with my meds."

Shepard nodded. "I see you helped yourself to some food, though."

"Oh, and I wasn't alone. You just missed Tali. I can't believe some of the things I was able to convince her of about humans."

"You didn't break her mind, did you?" asked Shepard.

Joker shrugged, an evil grin on his face.

"Damn it. Well, she'll live until tomorrow." said Shepard.

"Shouldn't you be in your bunk with Alenko?" asked Joker.

Shepard looked at him sharply. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

Joker threw his head back and laughed. "You think I don't know about the two of you? What the Normandy sees, I see." said Joker.

"So you've been spying on us? I thought so! You cock blocked me, you little shit." said Shepard.

"Oh, when you were about to get all smoochy down in the cargo bay? That was a good one." said Joker, snickering.

"Did you watch us have sex, you pervert?" asked Shepard.

Joker shrugged.

"You did!" shrieked Shepard. "Boundaries, Joker!"

"I did delete the footage from the security tapes. You should be thanking me." said Joker. "Of course, there is one copy left."

"What?!" asked Shepard.

"I sent it to Alenko's terminal. He should be discovering it soon." said Joker, grinning.

Shepard shook her head. "That better be the only copy. If I ever find you looking at-"

"With a whole Extranet full of porn, you think I'd ever watch the same thing twice? Please, Shepard, what do you take me for?" asked Joker.

"A voyeur who I would break in half if he wasn't such a freakishly good pilot." said Shepard. "That's what I came up here for, you know. To tell you about what an amazing job you've done, both back on Ilos and the final confrontation. We would never have succeeded without you."

Joker said nothing, and instead just looked down at his hands.

Shepard lightly clapped him on the shoulder, and then turned and left.

Jane walked down to her cabin. She pushed the door open and saw Kaidan sitting on her bunk.

"Hello Lieutenant, looking for an encore?" she joked. He looked up, his face serious.

"No, Commander. I've thought a lot about last night, and before you make a joke, I'm here to say we should not continue with this." he said, waving a hand in the air.

"And why shouldn't we?" asked Shepard, stalking up to him.

"Because it's against regulations. We could be court-martialed, lose our jobs." said Kaidan.

"There was a time when I would have cared about that. Back when I was not commander of my own ship, with a very loyal and silent crew. Back before I was a Spectre, and hero of the galaxy. Don't you see, Kaidan? I can do whatever I want, and no one is going to stop me. I could be corrupt, or abuse my power, but the only way I want to bend the rules is to be with you. That's my one tiny bit of misconduct." said Shepard. "You said I made you feel human. I've always felt human, too human. Growing up on Earth was hard, and brutal. Most nights I went to sleep hungry, or cold, or both. Joining the military was my way out. For two years before the entrance test, I pushed myself beyond my limits. One hundred pushups a day. Target practice until my eyes crossed. Miles and miles ran every single day, through choking smog and acid rain. I made sure I could surpass every physical requirement for men. This while hustling for my daily ration, still fighting turf wars.

I was competing against kids with advanced genetic enhancements, with college educations, with family influence. I had none of that. I barely graduated high school. I worked so damned hard to get where I am, Kaidan. The day of the entrance exams, I blew them away. I passed every test they threw at me. They could not believe I was some gang-banger Earth kid."

"A diamond in the rough." mused Kaidan, and then looked aghast that he had said that aloud.

Shepard laughed. "Well, I spent many, many years being refined, Alenko, and I'm not even half as polished as you. My speech still reflects my upbringing, or lack thereof. God, it's so embarrassing sometimes." she said. "You should have seen me, the first day at Mess. I ate myself sick, and then Lt. Harrison noticed I was stashing food in my pockets. Luckily for me, he didn't bust me in front of everyone. He asked me about it later, and stupid kid I was, I just tried to turn it into a fight."

Kaidan remembered reading the reports of Akuze, how one Commander Harrison had thrown himself at the thresher maw, his last four grenades on his belt activated.

"He taught me everything about being a civilized person. I didn't even really know how to use eating utensils, or how often I should bathe, or how to react without violence. Back in the Reds it was kill or be killed, show weakness and you're toast, man."

"It doesn't seem like you have any of those problems now." said Kaidan. "You are the cleanest person I know."

"Oh, just because I'm paranoid about smelling bad or looking dirty. You know what I spent my bonus from Akuze on?"

"The memorial, I saw." said Kaidan, wondering why she would tell him this.

"No, the Alliance was embarrassed about that, and reimbursed me. No, I spent it on these." said Shepard, and bared her teeth, pointing at them. "You should have seen them before. They were crooked and hurt all the time. Now, I do believe I could bite a hole in the Normandy's hull, with how much I paid for them. Top of the line."

Kaidan sat back and listened to her talk. Shepard never talked about her past, especially not about her time on Earth, or what had happened on Akuze. He noticed her grey eyes were unusually bright, and realized she was probably still tipsy. As a biotic, any buzz he managed to get after drinking burned off in an hour, at best.

"I haven't gotten any other enhancements, though. I got this far with this body, it would almost be a betrayal, you know?" said Shepard, then rambled on.

" I was the best soldier I could be. I never broke any regulations, not even the ones everyone breaks, like the rules against non-black socks, or appropriate shore leave activities. On Akuze, I followed the regulations regarding combat against Thresher Maws to the letter. I survived because I had the will, and the luck, sure, but also because I was prepared. Of my entire squad, I was the only one who had read through all the Alliance regulations. So don't talk to me about regulations, Alenko. I've followed them since the day I turned eighteen." said Shepard, pacing in front of him. "Haven't I earned this one thing of my own? Haven't we earned it?"

Kaidan shook his head, a smile on his face. "You really know how to give a speech, Commander."

"Still with the title? It's Jane, Kaidan. Jane, Jane, Jane." said Jane.

"Come here, Jane, Jane, Jane." said Kaidan. She sat down next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. Soon, he heard her soft snoring, and moved her ever so slightly onto the bed.

"Goodnight, Shepard." he said, and then left, turning out the light.

When Jane opened her eyes again, it was well into the next afternoon. Kaidan was gone. She winced at the light, and Joker's voice through the intercom.

"Commander, what are your orders?" he asked. Jane knew he was speaking loudly through the intercom deliberately, to annoy the rest of the crew. She walked over to the intercom.

"Now, we have leads to chase down, and a galaxy to save. Again." said Shepard through the private link to Joker.

"Aww, no shore leave?" he whined.

"Where? The ruined Citadel? I think not. Maybe after things have been cleaned up a little, I'll consider it." said Shepard.

"Good point." said Joker.

"Now, we are off to Quirinus, the military colony. I have a few contacts there who might have some information we need." said Shepard. "Tell Pressley I sent the coordinates to him."

"Right on, Commander." said Joker, and the intercom clicked off.

Jane exited her room and headed to the dining hall.

"Commander. Feeling good today?" asked Kaidan cheekily.

"Sure am, Alenko. What do you have there? God, I'm hungry." said Shepard.

He handed her a bowl of something brown, and she grabbed it eagerly. One thing they shared was their complete and utter enthusiasm for any food offered them. Jump Zero and Vyrnnus would have cured him of any finickiness about food, if being a biotic hadn't done that already. Kaidan ate ravenously throughout the day, and still was barely able to take in his daily requirement of calories. He watched her eat, her spoon very carefully held in her hand, and smiled, thinking of what she had told him the night before. Did she remember her little confessional?

"Oh, Alenko?" she said. "I believe I can trust you to keep our conversation last night confidential?"

Kaidan's grin widened. So she did remember. "You can, Commander." he said. "And I must say, your table manners are impeccable."

Jane laughed, ignoring the strange look Garrus was giving them.

"Humans." he said. "Is this some sort of idiom I have not heard?"

"Don't worry yourself, Vakarian. I didn't understand, either." said the doctor, gingerly prodding her breakfast.

"Prepare for evasive maneuvers!" shouted Joker through the intercom. Shepard and Kaidan jumped up immediately, their food forgotten. The ship rocked violently to the side. Food and crew-people went flying. Hull breech alarms squalled around their heads, and Shepard got to her feet.

"Kaidan! Get everyone to the escape pods." shouted Jane, reaching into the emergency locker for a hardsuit. She shrugged into it, and sneezed at the dust inside.

"What are you doing? I'm not leaving without you." said Kaidan, as people swarmed around him, rushing for the escape bay.

"Alenko, I gave you a fucking order. Get out of here." shouted Jane.

Kaidan looked at her, and crossed his arms over his chest. "No."

Shepard snarled at him, and pushed him roughly. "Don't make me repeat myself." she hissed. "Go. You have to make sure your crew is safe."

Kaidan saw people running around, frantic. He sighed. "You better be coming right after me." he said.

"Someone needs to save that idiot in the cockpit. Besides his bum legs, he has this notion that a good captain goes down with his ship. And Kaidan-" she started.

A shriek cut through the air, and the ship rocked again. Her eyes widened, and she took off at a dead run toward the cockpit.

Kaidan ripped his gaze away and began herding people toward the pods.

He saw Liara limping toward him, and he helped her into the pod. He saw all of the familiar faces of his immediate crew. He pulled Liara into the pod, and the automatic full-capacity doors clicked shut behind them.

Kaidan dropped Liara roughly and threw himself against the closing doors. "No!" he shouted. "Shepard's still out there!"

"She'll get out, you'll see." said Tali reasonably, though her voice shook.

Shepard stumbled into the cockpit, gingerly moving through space. She was relieved to see Joker's fingers still moving across the controls.

"Joker, we have to go." she said urgently.

"No! I can still save her!" said Joker, his voice cracking.

"She's lost. Get up, I'm getting you out of here." said Shepard, and pulled him up roughly.

"Ouch! Watch the legs" complained Joker as she threw him over her shoulder and moved toward the escape bay. The ship burned and cracked around them, and she ignored her fear as she ran forward. Shepard threw Joker into the last escape pod, and began to enter when the ship was hit again, throwing her back. She held on, barely, and punched a fist against the ejection button.

"What are you doing? Shepard?" screamed Joker as she saluted him through the closing doors.

Shepard felt herself hit by some debris, and then the air was gone. She drifted, her vision blackening. The last thing she saw was the Normandy, breaking in half.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard heard a voice, screeching at her.

_Is it too late to take back my comment about my disbelief in the afterlife? _She wondered, her head splitting. _Surely this must be Hell._

"Shepard! Get up, you're in danger! You need to get to the shuttle bay!" shouted a feminine voice with a strange Earth accent. _Australian_, thought Jane dazedly. She opened her eyes, and looked around. She seemed to be in some sort of medical bay, though the equipment was far too new and shiny to be a VA hospital.

"There's armor and a pistol in the corner locker." said the voice. "Now, hurry."

Jane rolled off the platform she was lying on, and winced, looking at the needles on the tray next to her. She rubbed her arms reflexively. Big, scary war hero she was, she could not abide needles.

Jane pulled the armor on automatically, and whistled to herself at the way it fit, as if it had been tailored to her. _Definitely not Alliance. Spare Alliance armor is not worth one hundred thousand creds.._

Jane remembered admiring armor like this in a specialty shop on the Citadel to which her new Spectre status had allowed her access. The armor had been made for a Turian, and had cost, even at her new pay scale, more than she made in a year.

Jane stood up, then wrapped an arm around her midsection and groaned. Summoning a lifetime's experience in ignoring pain, she straightened. Jane picked up the pistol, and admired it. Then she noticed it wasn't loaded.

"Damn it, where's the ammo?" she shouted.

"It's not kept in the med bay! Down the hallway, you should find plenty. Get your ass moving, Shepard!" shouted the voice.

Shepard pulled the doors open, and heard gunfire. She ducked and ran forward, crouching behind the shipping containers which were strewn everywhere. She saw a man in front of her with familiar blue biotics crackling around him. He was aiming and throwing the shipping containers, knocking down mechs.

Shepard ran forward. "What's going on?"

"Mechs have gone haywire. Someone must have hacked them. Wait-you're Shepard? Miranda must really be in trouble if she woke you." said the man, and then swore and ducked behind the container again. "I'm Jacob Thomas, by the way." He pulled a pistol from its holster on his belt and fired a few shots.

"Nice shooting. I need ammo." said Shepard. He handed her a clip, and she loaded it, then took aim. She dropped the mechs neatly, and she heard his admiring whistle.

"I'm Commander Shepard, but you knew that already. Where are we?" asked Shepard.

"First we get to the shuttle bay, then I'll tell you anything you want to know." said Jacob.

"Fair enough." said Shepard, and pushed the hair out of her eyes before taking another shot.

They heard a frantic voice through the intercom. "Please, they're in here! Somebody help!"

"Wilson? Is that you?" said Jacob, pressing his left ear.

"Help. I'm in engineering." said the voice, and then a shot rang out. "Ah! The bastards got me!"

"Follow me." said Jacob, and they crept swiftly down the hallway. Jacob kicked in a door, and then ran to a slumped form on the floor. Jane scanned the room, and saw no mechs.

"Where are the mechs?" she asked.

"I killed them. Please, get me some medi-gel." said the man. Wilson.

Jane opened the medicine box on the wall and walked over to Wilson. She narrowed her eyes at him, but handed him the gel, regardless.

"We need to hurry. Miranda will probably be waiting for us, about to blow a gasket." said Jacob.

"Miranda? She's still alive?" asked Wilson.

"It takes more than a few mechs to take Miranda Lawson down." said Jacob, an odd note of pride in his voice.

"Shepard, before we go, I need to tell you something." said Jacob.

"Let me guess. You are secretly a princess." said Jane, smirking.

"No. Worse. I work for Cerberus, and this is a Cerberus facility." said Jacob. As soon as the word "Cerberus" left his lips, Jane's pistol was up, pointed at his face.

"Don't even bother trying to use any biotics. A bullet will enter your brain before you've even warmed up. Want to tell me why I woke up on an experiment table in a Cerberus facility? Cerberus and I didn't exactly part on good terms." said Shepard, scowling.

"We just spent the last two years and billions of dollars putting her back together, and this is the thanks we get?" scoffed Wilson. Jane flicked her eyes to him.

"Come again?" she asked.

"You've been dead two years. The Lazarus project, which Miranda is in charge of, brought you back. Cerberus thought you valuable enough to throw endless money and resources into the project." said Jacob placatingly.

"Two years?" asked Shepard, feeling as if she'd taken a punch to the gut.

"Yes. Now let's get to the shuttles before more mechs show up, please?" said Jacob. He seemed unafraid of the gun in his face, and simply turned, walking ahead of her.

Shepard followed mutely. They came to a group of mechs, and she shot them easily, working well with Jacob's biotic lifts. One mech came too close, and when she shot it, it fell forward onto her. Two hundred pounds of steel crashing against her foot was painful, to say the least, and Jane screeched, throwing her hands out in front of her. Blue biotics crackled along her hands and the mech flew back.

"What the fuck?" she said, and turned to Jacob. "I'm not a biotic!"

"You are now. Upgrades, Shepard." said Jacob, and grinned. "Being a biotic is pretty nice, huh?"

"No." said Shepard, and was suddenly reminded of another biotic. "Where's my crew? The Normandy?"

"We'll go over that on the shuttle. Now, hurry." he said.

Shepard followed him to the bay, and the doors opened. A dark-haired woman, taller than Shepard, stepped out, a gun in her hand. She shot Wilson, point blank, blood and bone shards spattering Shepard's face.

"What the hell?" said Jacob. "You shot Wilson!"

"Obviously. He was the traitor who hacked the mechs. You would have preferred I left him to his fate at the hands of his mechs?" asked Miranda.

Shepard said nothing, just brushed past the woman and sat in a seat on the shuttle.

Nearly as soon as she had finished wiping the blood from her face, Miranda started in on a series of invasive and painful questions.

"You grew up on Earth, correct? No parents?" said Miranda.

"Yes." said Shepard.

"Jeez, Miranda, leave her alone." said Jacob.

"We have to make sure she is functioning psychologically." said Miranda firmly.

"On Virmire, you had to leave one of your squadmates behind. Which one? How did this make you feel?"

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. It made me feel fucking fantastic." snarled Shepard. "Now I have a few questions. First, what the fuck is Cerberus up to now? I remember the last Commander you experimented on. That didn't end well. Nor did your little experiments with the Thorian Creeper, or the Rachni Queen." said Shepard.

Miranda narrowed her eyes. "Those were but a few failures against the amazing advances Cerberus has made."

"Hmm." said Jane derisively, and scowled. "Where's my crew? The Normandy?"

"The Normandy was lost in the attack. Your crew mostly survived, thanks to your actions." said Jacob.

"Do you remember if a Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko survived? He was a biotic, a Sentinel, if that helps." said Shepard. She knew questioning so boldly would likely reveal their relationship, but she at the moment, all she cared about was knowing if he lived.

"You two were close, were you not? He lived, and is still in the Alliance." said Miranda.

"So am I." said Shepard firmly.

"Many things have changed since you died, Shepard." said Jacob.

"Now, I have a few more questions if you don't mind..." said Miranda hopefully.

"I do." said Shepard. "Mind, that is." She stared out the window at the stars blazing by for the rest of the journey, ignoring any queries directed at her.

"I believe you are mistaken. I will never work for Cerberus, not after the shit I've witnessed you people do." said Shepard, sneering at the hologram in front of her. "Secondly, what sort of experiments were you doing on me in that facility? I remember what you did to Toombs: the only other survivor of the Thresher Maw on Akuze.

"You need to put your past conceptions behind you. Cerberus is not your enemy here. That would be the Collectors." said the head of Cerberus, the man they called the Illusive Man.

"The Collectors?" asked Shepard. "What do they have to with this?"

"They are who destroyed your ship, killed your crew. They have now begun abducting entire human colonies. We have reason to believe they are working with the Reapers." said the man smoothly.

Shepard stifled a gasp. "How do I know you're not just saying that, to manipulate me into helping you? You know my history with the Reapers." She thought of Miranda's questions. "And everything else about my history, apparently."

"Of course we do. We had to, in order to rebuild you. We brought you back, nearly exactly as you were." said the Illusive Man, idly tapping his cigarette against his chair.

"So I was dead. Spaced." said Shepard, crossing her arms across her chest. "And you brought me back to defeat these Collectors. Why? You could have your own army, for what you paid to resurrect me."

"Because we needed _you_, Shepard. No one else could have done what you did on Ilos. No one else could take on the Collectors, and eventually, the Reapers." said the Illusive Man. "Human colonies are going missing, so you must know that Cerberus has an invested interest in stopping this."

Shepard frowned. "Of course. Cerberus cares about humans, and humans only. No, I don't work for racists."

"This is about more than your personal politics. You know it, already. Don't believe me about the Collector attacks? Just look on the Extranet. You'll find plenty of reports there." said the man. "I have forwarded some dossiers I want you to peruse. You'll need the best team possible, to take on the Collectors."

"I already have a team. I don't need your damn list." said Shepard.

"They have moved on, Shepard. Two years is a long time. Just have a look at the list, would you?" said the Illusive Man, and then the lights came on, and Shepard was back in the briefing room of the Normandy.

The Normandy, rebuilt to be achingly familiar, yet with many improvements.

_Just like you._

"Now, Shepard, I think you'll be happy with our choice of pilot. He's the best, from what I hear." said Jacob. Shepard heard the scrape of something metal dragging across the floor, and looked up. Jeff Monreau, a.k.a "Joker" grinned uncertainly, standing in front of her.

"Cerberus gave you some upgrades too, huh?" said Shepard, and rushed forward, pulling the pilot into a hug.

"Uh, Commander? They didn't cure me entirely. God, I think you broke a rib." groaned Joker. "It's good to see you, Commander. You don't know how good."

Shepard held him out in front of her. "It's good to see a familiar face amongst all this. Have I really been gone two years?" she asked. "What happened to the rest of the crew?"

"Well, after you, er, died, the rest of us kind of fell apart. Wrex left to start his own colony or something, Liara and Garrus disappeared, and Tali went back to the Flotilla."

"What about Kaidan?" asked Shepard, searching his face.

"I'm not sure, exactly. Last I heard he was with the Alliance." said Joker, avoiding her gaze.

"You don't know? Isn't he your best friend?" asked Shepard, cocking her head.

"Yeah, well, you know, a guy doesn't usually take it so well when his best friend kills his girl." said Joker.

"What do you mean? You didn't kill me. The Collectors did." said Shepard.

"Not what Kaidan thought. Not what I thought, for that matter. I should have gone for the pods sooner. Instead, you had to come and haul my sorry ass." said Joker, his voice strangely solemn.

"You were just trying to save the Normandy. Don't try that shit again, mind you, but I understand. And hey, I'm alive, right?" said Shepard.

"Only because you're the luckiest s.o.b to have ever lived, Commander." said Joker. "Come on, I'll give you the grand tour. She's a beauty, the new Normandy."

"And here we have the medical bay." said Joker, flourishing grandly.

Shepard saw a familiar grey head. "Chakwas? Doctor Chakwas?" she asked.

The doctor looked up. "Shepard. I had heard you were alive. It is so good to see you." she said, and then stood up.

Shepard smiled gladly, and then saw the Cerberus insignia on the doctor's uniform, and came crashing back into reality. She took a step back, looking at the two people in front of her accusingly.

"Want to tell me why the fuck the two of you joined Cerberus? Did they rebuild you, too?" she asked, the smile on her face suddenly sinister.

"After the Normandy went down, everyone was re-assigned, and I was grounded for a year. Everyone ignored our reports on the Reapers, Shepard. The council went so far as to have your reports declared the ramblings of someone suffering from PTSD, and they were immediately sealed. They rebuilt the Citadel, and are acting like nothing ever happened." said Joker. "I couldn't do nothing, waiting for the Reapers to return, so I made some inquiries, looking for anyone who was working against them. Turns out Cerberus was. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, right, Commander? They hired me, and here I am."

"I was re-assigned to a medical facility on one of the colonies. The Alliance tried to make out the assignment as some sort of reward, for my long service, but I know what they were doing: they were retiring me. Putting me on some backwater colony, hoping no one would hear my stories about the Reapers." said Dr. Chakwas. "I was contacted by Cerberus after Jeff was hired, offering me a position on the new Normandy. A chance to return to my old ship, to return to my nomadic, adventurous lifestyle? I had to take it."

Shepard nodded. "So the Council is back to their old tricks? How could they ignore the Reapers when one crashed down all over the Citadel? What about Captain Anderson?"

"Councilor Anderson, now. He tried to get an official inquiry started, but he was shot down by the rest of the Council. He doesn't want to jeopardize humanity's place on the Council, so he mostly keeps quiet about the Reapers." said Joker.

"Goddamnit! I'm going to the Citadel immediately." said Shepard, and turned curtly. "Heads are going to roll, believe me."

"Don't you want the rest of the tour?" asked Joker.

"Get in the cockpit, Joker. I'll check out the rest of the ship, myself, once we're in the air." said Jane.

Joker muttered good-naturedly to himself. "I guess the vacation's over. Commander Hardass is back."

Jane laughed, and pressed a button for the elevator. Next to the buttons were labels for the different parts of the ship. She pressed the engineering button, ridiculously hoping she would find Tali there, gossiping with Adams and tearing apart the ship.

Shepard exited, and saw two humans in Cerberus uniforms, busily entering data.

The female gasped. "Look, Donnelly. She actually came down to see us."

"Told you she would. Commander Shepard." he said, and saluted smartly.

Shepard nodded. "At ease. Who are the two of you?"

"I'm Gabriella Daniels, ma'am, and this is Kenneth Donnelly." said the woman.

"How did the two of you join Cerberus?" asked Shepard lightly, expecting some xenophobic remarks.

"We used to be Alliance. We were present in the battle for the Citadel, Commander, and saw what you did. When the Council declared your reports inaccurate, Kenneth here had some very choice things to say in your defense." said the woman.

"Och, that's the half of it, Gabby. I woulda got court-martialed if I wasn't such a good engineer. Cerberus was impressed with my defense, and offered me a position."

"The chance to work on the Normandy, with the rumor that you were returning, was too good to pass up. Have you seen the sub-engine core on this thing?" Gabby said, and launched into a list of technical accolades.

Shepard must have looked dazed, because Kenneth interrupted. "And we're here to kick the collectors right in the daddy-bags."

Shepard laughed at this. "Good to have you aboard." she said. "I'm glad to hear that some took the Council's declarations with a grain of salt."

"Or a whole pound of salt, in Kenneth's case." said Gabby. Kenneth shrugged, grinning.

Shepard left engineering, some of her anger at the Council abated.

"Commander Alenko is on a classified mission. I can't tell you more, not now that you're working for Cerberus." said Councilor Anderson.

"So this is the thanks I get? I save the damned galaxy and die in the service to the very same galaxy-"

"I know the debt that is owed, Shepard, and I am sorry. I know the Reapers are still out there, and it's a damned nightmare. I've been trying to convince the Council, but I seem to be getting nowhere." said Anderson.

Shepard ignored him and continued with her tirade. "All I'm asking is for the contact information, not even the location, of one of my team, and you won't even give me that?"

"You were dead, Shepard. Frankly, it's a little hard to believe it is really you, standing in front of me. Have you looked in the mirror lately?" asked Anderson, arching an eyebrow.

"No, why? What have they done?" asked Shepard, feeling her face. A long, jagged ridge greeted her fingers.

"There's a mirror in the bathroom. Have a look." said Anderson.

Shepard walked to the bathroom and flipped on the light. Her stomach turned at the thought of what might greet her in the mirror. She looked up, into the mirror, and was greeted by her own familiar face. Her old scar from a long-ago knife fight was gone, and it was odd to see her face without it. The most jarring, however, were the new, glowing scars on her cheek. Shepard gingerly poked at them.

"Shit." she said softly. "What have they done to me? Am I a robot now?"

Anderson followed her. "You didn't know?"

"I knew they re-grew me, somehow, that they gave me biotics and unknown other traits. I didn't know I wasn't human anymore." said Shepard.

"Welcome to the human race, Shepard. You're the only person I knew who wasn't modified." said Anderson.

"So tell me, Anderson, is what Cerberus telling me correct? Human colonies are going missing?" asked Shepard, her anger replaced with a deep weariness.

"Yes. Entire colonies, gone without a trace." sighed Anderson.

"It's the Collectors, isn't it?" asked Shepard. "They've done this before, but never so many people at a time."

"I suspect so, yes, but of course the Council disagrees." said Anderson.

"Give me an Alliance ship and crew, and I'll check it out." said Shepard.

"I'm afraid the Alliance has not finished rebuilding since the attack on the Citadel. They won't be able to spare a ship for our conspiracy theories." said Anderson.

"But I'm a Spectre. They have to." said Shepard.

Anderson sighed. "I've arranged a meeting in half an hour with the Council. Get yourself cleaned up, and meet me downstairs."

Shepard stood in the steam, looking down at her hands. She remembered Kaidan describing what it felt like to be a biotic, how he summoned the power and channeled it through his hands. Shepard frowned, trying to get her hands to crackle. Nothing. She sighed and washed her hair and face. Shepard stepped into the dryer, ran her hands through her hair, which was cut exactly the same as it had always been, and pulled on her clothing.

"What you're saying is preposterous, Shepard. It was a ship, nothing else. Saren somehow allied with the Geth, but they have been defeated." said the Turian councilor.

"The ship was a Reaper. Sovereign. You know this, you saw it! How can you be so blind! Now the Collectors are taking humans"

"On the edge of the Terminus systems. Humanity's failure to defend her own colonies is not enough of a concern to get the Council involved." said the Asari councilor.

"Even though humanity saved you! Saved all of you! Give me a ship and a crew, I'll stop them. I'll find what they are doing!" said Shepard desperately, running a hand through her brown hair.

"We are not convinced it is the Collectors, as you say."said the Turian.

"It is, and they are working with the Reapers! I know it!" said Shepard.

"You truly have some wild theories. We cannot allocate Council resources-"

"You must! I'm a Spectre!" said Shepard loudly, pointing at them.

"You're dead, Shepard, and your Spectre status ended when you died." said the Salarian Councilor.

"So this is how I'm received, after all I did for you! I could have let you die, but I didn't. Maybe next time, I'll watch you burn." said Shepard angrily.

"Are you threatening us? We'll have you arrested for treason-" said the Turian, jumping forward.

Anderson stepped quicker, and put his hand out in front of the Turian. "Please, everyone, calm down. Shepard, this meeting is over. Meet me in my office, please."

Shepard waited there, pacing. "What the hell was that, Anderson? Can't they see I'm trying to help them? I should think they would believe me, after last time, when I turned out to be right. I SAVED them."

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but my hands are tied." said Anderson sadly.

"So, what now? I wait for them to take their heads out of their asses until all human colonies are gone? They would like that, wouldn't they? Humans maybe too powerful now?" asked Shepard. "They've forced me into a corner, Captain. What do I do? Do I work with a terrorist, racist organization in order to save us, and stop the Collectors, or do I wait, and watch everyone die?"

"I wish you wouldn't work for Cerberus, but I don't have a better alternative." said Anderson.

"I'll keep you updated, Captain. I'm sorry for my behavior. You have to understand, I've been in a coma for the last two years. To me, the Battle of the Citadel was last week, not a distant memory." said Shepard, twisting her hands together.

"I understand, Shepard. Good look, and keep your eyes open out there. Cerberus is using you, you know."

"I know. God, I know." laughed Shepard wryly.

"So, Shepard, I remember how you promised us shore leave once the Citadel was rebuilt.." said Joker as she stepped into the cockpit.

"Not now, Joker. Those bastards acted like I was crazy, like everything I did for them was nothing! Goddamnit." said Shepard.

"Organic life forms are not known for their logic." said a strange voice. Shepard jumped.

"Who is that?" she asked, looking around. A blue hologram popped up.

"I am EDI, short for Enhanced Defense Intelligence. I am the ship's AI. I present around the ship-"

"We have an AI onboard? Great." said Shepard.

"A spy, more like. This thing records everything we do and reports back to Cerberus." said Joker.

"This is a Cerberus vessel, Mr. Monreau. It is logical that they would require oversight." said EDI.

"So, EDI, what do you do?" asked Shepard.

"I can tell you about the different parts of the ship. In addition, I am responsible for the ship's defense systems, the ship's co-pilot, and a number of other duties."

"Well, don't pull a Geth and kill us all, okay?" said Shepard. She heard Joker snort at this, and she turned, walking back to the elevator.

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the comm room." said a pretty red-haired woman in a Cerberus uniform.

"Who are you?" asked Shepard.

"I am Yeoman Kelly Chambers. I keep you abreast of any new developments or messages."

"So you're my secretary?" asked Shepard.

"Essentially, yes, though that is only one aspect of my duty." said Kelly.

Shepard nodded, then walked to the communication room.

"Shepard. I see you did not wait for me to give you direction. Good." said the Illusive Man.

"Actually, I was looking for information on one of my squad mates, and trying to find a way to defeat the Collectors that doesn't involve selling my soul to the Devil." said Shepard.

The Illusive Man chuckled. "And yet, you're back. It seems we need one another. Listen, I have given you the coordinates for Freedom's Progress. I need you to go there and see if you can find anything out about the Collectors."

"That's the last colony to go missing, right? I'll go immediately." said Shepard.

Shepard admired the smooth descent of the shuttle. "Much better than that old piece of crap Mako." she said to herself. "Oh, Jacob? What am I supposed to do with these biotic powers now that I have them? I can't even get the slightest reaction."

"You need to be trained, Shepard. You have training materials at your terminal on the Normandy. Otherwise, I suppose I can help you along." said Jacob.

"I won't need your help, as soon as I can find Kaidan Alenko." said Shepard confidently. "He's the best I've ever seen."

"Kaidan Alenko? Isn't he an extremely powerful L2?"

"Yes." said Shepard.

_Two years and 3 weeks ago...._

Kaidan continued to pound his fists uselessly against the doors of the pod as it detached from the ship. Dark energy crackled in the air around him, and the rest of the occupants of the shuttle looked at him nervously.

"Lieutenant, you need to calm down." said Liara, struggling to get up from the floor.

"I will not calm down. She's still on the ship!" shouted Kaidan. His fist left a scorch mark on the door. Garrus gasped, and then grabbed him.

"Settle down! You could kill us all, and then Shepard would really be pissed." he said

Kaidan got control of himself and sat, his head in his hands. He focused on his breathing, and the energy around him dissipated. It frightened him, this loss of control. The last time he had lost it, he had ended up killing someone.

They drifted for six hours before a freighter, bound for Quirinus, buzzed their communication.

"This is the crew of the Alliance ship Normany? We have the other survivors on board. Report."

"This is Lieutenant Sentinel Kaidan Alenko reporting. I have a full pod of sixteen crew members, and only minor injuries. Requesting pickup."

"Prepare for pickup, Lieutenant."

Then they were in the cargo bay. Kaidan saw only one person waiting. He rushed forward, and saw Joker. _If Joker made it, then Shepard must have. _

"Joker! Where's the Commander?" asked Kaidan, relief and elation filling him. Joker didn't look up, and Kaidan's stomach twisted.

"Where's the Commander?" he repeated.

"Gone." said Joker quietly.

"Gone? What do you mean, gone?" asked Kaidan loudly, and the rest of the crew looked up.

"She's dead. Spaced." said Joker.

Kaidan heard Liara gasp, and Tali cry out. He heard Garrus and Wrex arguing that Jane Shepard couldn't possibly be dead, that no one was better at surviving than she was. Kaidan registered none of it, only the face of the man before him.

"This is your fault." he hissed, grief and rage overtaking him.

"Kaidan-" he heard the doctor say disapprovingly.

"If you hadn't forced her to rescue you, she'd still be alive. You- YOU did this." said Kaidan,biotics crackling around him. He lunged at Joker, knocking him off his crutches.

Kaidan woke up in the medical bay of the freighter to the angry face of Dr. Chakwas.

"You broke his tailbone, both of his femurs, and three ribs, Alenko. You could be drummed out of the service for this. You're lucky he's not pressing charges." said the doctor, glaring down at him.

"Lucky? Shepard just died and you're trying to tell me I'm lucky? Monreau killed her, Chakwas." sneered Kaidan, and sat up, rubbing his aching head.

"Don't be absurd. Whoever attacked our ship killed Commander Shepard, not Jeff." argued the doctor.

"He's right." croaked a voice across the room. "If I hadn't been so stupid and slow, she'd be alive. "

"Spare us the martyr act." said Kaidan coldly, and got to his feet. He was nearly out the door when he turned. "And Monreau? Don't ever speak to me again, unless you want the rest of the bones in your body broken."

Kaidan sat in the officer's room provided for him on Quirinus. He heard a knock at the door, and looked up. "Lieutenant?"

"Yes, Garrus?" he said, and the Turian stepped in. "I heard what happened. You have to know it wasn't Joker's fault."

Kaidan sighed. "Leave me, please." he said.

"Or what? You'll assault me, too? I'll be a better fight than Joker: my bones aren't made of glass." said Garrus, frowning at him.

"She's dead, Garrus. How did this happen? Why didn't I force her to come with me to the pods?" asked Kaidan, and sobbed into his hands. Garrus patted him awkwardly, his talons scraping Kaidan's face.

Two months later, Kaidan sat in his apartment in the Wards. He vacillated between overwhelming grief and rage. He no longer blamed Joker, though he had not responded to any of his former friend's emails, mostly because he avoided any communication with the outside world. Captain Anderson, now Councilor Anderson, had arranged indefinite leave for Kaidan from the Alliance, and now he spent his time staring at the walls. Even food no longer held any appeal for him, and he took on a hunted, hollow look.

Another month went by. Someone buzzed at his door. He ignored it, and pulled the blankets over his head. Someone fumbled at the lock, and Kaidan entertained the fantasy of thugs bursting in, guns blazing, to put him out of his misery.

"Kaidan, honey, you need to come out sometime. I got the key from the nice landlord." called a feminine voice. Kaidan groaned, wishing to disappear.

A small, compact woman bustled in, her black hair fashionably bobbed.

"I heard from David that you haven't been eating. I brought you some borscht from Grammy." said his mother, Regina Alenko. She had always managed to worm her way into every aspect of Kaidan's life, personal or professional, and it seemed she had finally made friends with Anderson, too.

"Grammy will be over to check on your tomorrow, to make sure you eat." said Regina. "Now, get up, we're going to have a nice walk around the Presidium. Ugh, this room smells terrible! When was the last time you bathed?"

Kaidan reluctantly got out of bed, and showered. He dressed in somewhat clean clothes, and heard his mother tutting as she picked up his laundry.

"You are usually such a tidy man." she scolded.

Kaidan ignored her and stood by the door, waiting.

"I think I'll take the day off tomorrow, and join Grammy over here. We'll clean this place up for you. I know you're sad about that commander of yours dying, but don't you think this is a little excessive, falling to pieces in grief?" she said, and gestured at the large stacks of takeout containers littering his apartment.

"Mom, you don't need to take a day off." he said softly.

"Oh, hush. As CEO, I'm entitled to a day off to take care of my only son. Oh, what a bad mother I've been! Look at you!" she said. "Biotic Odyssey has had such a busy quarter, and I've neglected you." Much to the displeasure of Kaidan's father, Commander Edward Alenko, Jr., at the news that their son was a biotic, Regina, a devoted housewife, had immediately enrolled at the university. She graduated, and applied her tireless energy to biotic research. Unlike many of the other parents, Edward included, she had never seen her son's abilities as something to be feared.

"I'm thirty-two, Mom. You can hardly be blamed." said Kaidan wryly.

"Is it that nasty L2 implant? Darling, why won't you let me get you an upgrade? The L5s are looking very promising." she said.

"I've told you. The L2 isn't that bad, and I spike much higher than almost any other human recorded. It's an acceptable tradeoff, for migraines." said Kaidan.

She frowned at this, her dark eyes flashing. "And what happens when you go insane and die? Then where will your poor mother be?"

Her sharp eyes alighted on a stack of unopened mail. "What's all this? I'm going to open it."

Kaidan sighed. "I thought we were going on a walk?"

"Ten more minutes without sunlight won't kill you. What's this? It's from someone named Liara T'Soni-a girlfriend of yours?" she asked, and opened the envelope before Kaidan could snatch it from her hands. A picture of Commander Jane Shepard from the night before the accident fell to the floor. Regina picked it up. Shepard grinned up from the picture, her arms thrown across the shoulders of a ridiculously drunk Garrus Vakarian and a blushing Kaidan Alenko.

"So this is why you've cut yourself off from the rest of the world." said Regina softly. "Oh, baby, why didn't you tell me you were in love with her?"

Kaidan stared at the picture, the comfortable numbness from the past month replaced with aching sorrow. His mother looked at him sadly. "Come on, let's get some fresh air." she said.

A month later, Kaidan nervously looked at himself in the mirror. Thanks to his mother and grandmother, he was now nearly an acceptable weight again. He adjusted the collar of his dinner dress uniform.

"Marine." he greeted himself in the mirror, feeling as if he'd stepped back in time.


	3. Chapter 3

"Marine." he greeted himself in the mirror, feeling as if he'd stepped back in time. He attempted a smile, which transformed his face into something ghoulish.

Kaidan remembered finally accessing his accounts and finding that Commander Jane Shepard had been officially declared dead. Soon after, Anderson had appeared at his door, twisting his hat in his hands.

"I've been instructed to find someone who knew Shepard well to give a speech at her funeral." he said.

"Why? So the Council can use her for their political gain?" asked Kaidan sharply. "So they can gawk at her empty casket?"

"You should consider speaking, Kaidan. Otherwise they will just appoint someone, some smooth diplomat who didn't know a thing about her, who will use her funeral for just what you said." said Anderson.

Kaidan sighed. He hated crowds, bright lights, and noise, all of which this funeral promised to have in abundance. But he was never able to deny Shepard, not even in death, it seemed. "I'll do it. I want control over what I say, though."

"As long as you submit a transcript of your speech in advance, I'm sure it will not be a problem." said Anderson.

"Is that all?" asked Kaidan rudely, rubbing the three-day beard on his face.

Anderson frowned at him, eyeing his unkempt state. "You're going to have to pull yourself together eventually, Lieutenant."

Kaidan just looked at him pointedly, then at the door. Anderson shrugged and left.

Now, two weeks later, Kaidan was prepared to attend the funeral for the love of his life, certain he would be one of a group of very few people there who felt true grief at her passing. The rest were there to see or be seen, and the thought of the rubberneckers made him ill.

"What can I say about the woman who saved us all? Commander Shepard, sole survivor of Akuze, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel. Everyone knows these facts about her. What many do not know is that she was just human. Many have the opinion that she was some sort of demi-god, all-knowing, and all-powerful, but she was not. I admit, even I believed she was invincible. I watched a sentient warship crash down on her head. Two minutes later, she's popping out of the wreckage with just a sprained wrist and a shit-eating grin on her face."

A titter went through the crowd. Kaidan felt the eyes of the Council on him, aware that they knew he was not giving the tidy little speech he had sent them.

" Painfully human, she once told me. That is what makes her accomplishments truly amazing. A slumdog-  
Another titter at this. Kaidan longed to wipe out the first three rows with a biotic throw. With the way his emotions had been boiling through him recently, he knew he had the power to do it. He took a deep breath and continued.

"from Earth, where she ignored everyone who told her she would never make it, she would never pass the rigorous entrance exams for the Alliance. Through hard work and determination, she made it. She rose quickly in the Alliance, the model soldier. Then, on Akuze, she watched her entire unit die around her, yet she survived the horror that would have crushed anyone else.

But everyone already knows those stories. It creates the myth, the legend of Commander Jane Shepard. What about the woman behind the legend? It is what all of you came to hear, right?" asked Kaidan, and watched some members of the audience squirm. He caught Garrus's eye, seated in the back rows with the rest of the Normandy crew. Garrus nodded, his mandibles spread in a sad smile.

"For one, she was a cheat at cards. She called it "supplementing her income." She was an absolute fiend for fresh fruit, though honestly, I never saw her turn down any food. Comes from having it hard, I guess. She would eat anything.

Commander Shepard had the amazing ability to find allies in the strangest of places. Hell, she got a Turian, an Asari, a Krogan, and humans to work together well, which is more than the Council can do, most days. Commander Shepard inspired loyalty because she was incredibly loyal, herself. She would help any sorry sack who asked. This didn't make her soft, or naïve. You only got one chance with Shepard. If you betrayed her, she repaid you double.

Kaidan heard someone in the front row mutter,"Always had to show off, didn't she?"

Kaidan reigned in his rage, avoiding looking at anyone in the first two rows. Those were filled with no one who had known Shepard personally, aside from Anderson and Admiral Hackett.

"That was the thing about Shepard, you know? Despite her amazing accomplishments, she didn't go in for the flashy or ostentatious. She would have hated this, being held up as some sort of sacrificial lamb, a martyr for humanity." said Kaidan suddenly. "She liked small parties, with plenty of cheap booze and loud music. She never would have been comfortable here, amongst all the glitz and glitter. For all her great accomplishments, Shepard was a soldier, and most at ease with a gun in her hands and armor on her back.

"Meathead." sneered a human woman in the front row, the trophy wife of some pharmaceutical heir.

Kaidan continued. "It has been three months, twelve days, and sixteen hours since she died, and I still expect her to swagger in."

Kaidan abruptly turned from the podium and walked off the stage, then directly out the door. Waiting outside was a huge group of reporters, barred from the funeral itself. Cameras flashed in his face, and reporters shouted questions.

"Were you romantically involved with Commander Jane Shepard? What were the circumstances of her death? Why is former Alliance pilot Jeff Monreau not in attendance?"

Kaidan ignored them and kept walking until they stopped following. He heard strange footsteps behind him, and turned around. Garrus Vakarian and Urdnot Wrex stood behind him.

"I say the best way to honor Commander Shepard is to go back in there and stomp the smirks off their faces." grunted Wrex.

"Excellent idea, my friend." said Garrus, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. "Nice speech, by the way. I, too, expect her to bust in here and kick our asses for being so morose."

"Garrus! No wonder the humans won the war against the Turians! Are all Turians so prone to tears?' she'd ask," murmured Kaidan, and laughed. "Alenko! Your socks don't even match. For God's sake man, did you dress in the dark?"

"Wrex! What are you doing today? What are you thinking? Are you going to help your people? Have you thought about helping your people? The Krogan need you, Wrex." mocked Wrex, and let out a rare laugh. "She never shut up, did she? Always had to get into everyone else's business, and you found yourself..."

"Telling her things you'd never told anyone." finished Garrus. "She was my best friend."

"Mine, too." said Kaidan, and stared at the drinks suddenly in front of them.

"Liara. When did you learn to move so quietly?" he asked the Asari woman suddenly next to them.

"I've learned a lot, the past three months. I couldn't miss her funeral, as political and overblown as it was." said Liara. "I thought I would find you here."

"Why is that?" asked Kaidan, frowning.

"You think everyone on the ship didn't hear the story about what you said to Shepard out here? Beautiful women, this emotion called love..." said Liara, smiling though tears glimmered in her eyes.

"Ash must have told you that." said Kaidan.

"Ashley Williams? No, it was Shepard herself who told everyone that story. Laughed herself sick, too." said Liara.

Kaidan groaned. "Of course she did."

"Hell of a commander." said Garrus gruffly, and raised his glass.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Two years, two weeks since Normandy crash.**_

Jane Shepard shook her head, struggling to keep a grin from her face. Despite her initial, and sustained, distrust of Jacob Taylor, she couldn't help but like the man. It hadn't surprised her to learn he was ex-Alliance. He carried himself like a soldier, but more than that, he had the same sick sense of humor most soldiers shared.

"So Collectors look like big bugs, right?" he asked.

"That's what I hear."

"Kind of karma, then, for them to be collecting humans." said Jacob. "Maybe we'll get to the Collector base and there will be all the colonists pinned to styrofoam sheeting.

"You have a strange mind, Jacob." she said.

"I figure it's from the biotic amp." he said,shrugging. "Now, show me how you're doing with the exercises I taught you."

Shepard flopped herself into the seat opposite him.

"Absolute shit. I'm telling you, I'm going to have Chakwas remove this amp, it's useless. I haven't had the slightest spark since the medical facility." said Shepard, frowning.

"It takes years, Commander. You shouldn't even have been able to use them once. Now, try very hard to pick up this toothpick. Imagine reaching out with your mind, and all that other gibberish the manual says." said Jacob, and laid a hand on her shoulder.

Shepard concentrated with everything she had, staring at the damned toothpick, which may as well been a grown tree, for all the success she was having.

"It's not working." she complained.

"Quiet, Commander. Concentrate."

Shepard thought to herself. "Move. Move. Move, you bastard! I'm not letting some dead plant get the better of me, no matter how smug it is!" The toothpick trembled, and she let out a victory whoop.

"Did you see that, Jacob? It moved!" she said, pointing.

"I didn't see anything, Commander. Are you sure you didn't just breathe too hard?" he asked skeptically.

"EDI, what is your opinion?" asked Shepard.

"Trace levels of dark energy around the toothpick suggest-"

"See! Victory is mine, stick!" joked Shepard, and then stood up. "Thanks for the lesson, Jacob. You're all right, for a Cerberus drone."

"Gee thanks, Commander." said Jacob, and rolled his eyes.

Shepard smirked as she walked out of the room.

Commander Shepard stared at the screen in her quarters, willing her inbox to have a new message.

"Damn it, I'm dead for two years and everyone I know drops off the edge of the galaxy." she grumbled. So far, she had not received a response from any of her old crew. At least she knew Tali was alive, thanks to Freedom's Progress. Even Tali had not responded, and Shepard frowned. She had liked to think she was not quite so easy to move on from. She pushed away from her desk, bored. Shepard had never been able to stand being idle. They were still half a day's journey away from Omega, and already, she had exhausted her tolerance for the Extranet. Shepard turned her attention to one of her favorite activities: interrogating Cerberus employees.

"Hmm, so we're recruiting a vigilante?" mused Shepard, looking over the dossiers. She put her feet up on the coffee table, ignoring Miranda's glare.

"Do you have a problem with that?" asked Miranda. "From what the dossier says, he or she is a tactical genius, wiping out half of Omega's mercenary population over the past year."

"No, sounds like just my kind of crew member." said Shepard. "Nothing better than power-mad tactical geniuses with sniper rifles."

"Anything I can help you with, Commander?" asked Miranda, not even attempting to hide her disdain.

"Not really. Do you have time to talk?" asked Shepard.

"I'm rather busy at the moment." said Miranda, pursing her lips disapprovingly at Shepard's nosiness.

"Way I see it, you owe me a few answers." said Shepard. "So why do you work for Cerberus? Money? Fanatiscims? Do they have you by the balls like they do me?"

Miranda looked taken aback at the onslaught of questions. "I believe the ends justify the means. Cerberus had made great technological strides in a relatively short time. I believe it what Cerberus stands for.."

"At the cost of civilian lives." said Shepard. "You haven't seen what I saw, Miranda. I watched colonists turned into mindless husks. I watched a friend of mine blow his brains out over what Cerberus did to him. Did to us. Did you know they deliberately lured my unit to Akuze, and then tabulated the results, as if we were rats in a maze?"

"Look, I'm not here to debate morality with you. You have your opinion, I have mine. I'll have you know I sleep just fine, knowing that I am doing everything possible to advance humanity." said Miranda.

Shepard sneered. " So you actually believe in their rhetoric? It seems Cerberus's breeding experiments have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. You look and sound human, but I know they've bred the heart right out of you."

Miranda watched Shepard walk out of her office, obviously feeling she had the upper hand. Miranda could have hurled her desk against the wall. She did not know what the Illusive Man saw in this pig-headed, high-minded, crass soldier. She did not want to think about how close Shepard had gotten to the truth, to the inside of her deepest, darkest fears; that she was no longer human, after all the genetic modification she had received.

Shepard pushed through the crowd in the Omega nightclub, Afterlife. Any other time, this place was exactly her kind of bar: loud and crowded, with sleazy dancers and sleazier patrons. Today, though, she wasn't in the mood. She had a damned mercenary group to join, and the thought made her feel slimy. Shepard, like many soldiers, saw mercenaries as vermin, and dealing with them was unpleasant.

She heard someone make a remark involving a part of his anatomy and Miranda's ass, and grinned. Perhaps the day was looking up. Shepard watched Miranda pick the man up by the front of his shirt and throw him into the table.

"Shit! What are you?" he whimpered.

"Your worst nightmare." said Miranda, and Shepard burst into mocking laughter.

"I see you have a taste for the dramatic" she said. "Get out of here, you puke." she said to the man, who was drunkenly getting to his feet.

"Let's get going. Ugh, I'm going to need two showers after this place." said Miranda, ignoring Shepard's commentary.

Shepard stood in the line for mercenary recruitment. A young teenager jostled her. "Come on, lady!" he said. He puffed out his scrawny chest.

Shepard turned around, and looked him up and down. She figured the kid could not have been more than fifteen, and rolled her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Why does it look like? I'm gonna kill Archangel, get that reward. Just got myself a gun." said the boy, looking down at the weapon held clumsily in his hand.

Shepard sighed. "No, you're not. Get a refund for that gun." she said.

"What, why? Is something wrong with it?" he asked.

Shepard snatched it from his hand and broke it. "There is now. Get out of here, kid. This is no place for boys who don't even have pubes yet." she said. "Want to learn how to use a gun? Join the Alliance. They're always looking for cannon fodder."

"You bitch!" the boy screamed, and lunged at her. Shepard ducked, twisted, and threw the boy to the floor. She lightly rested her boot against his throat. She could feel him trembling, and see the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

"Don't make me tell you again. Next time, I might just crush your throat for annoying me." she said, glaring. She shook her head disapprovingly, and Jacob prodded the boy to his feet with the end of his shotgun. The boy made a high-pitched squeal, and scurried out of the club.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Shepard laughed. "Oh, to be fifteen and fearless again." she said.

"I wouldn't take fifteen again if you paid me, Commander. Fifteen was a damn stupid year for me." said Jacob.

Shepard laughed. "I think it was for everyone."

Shepard found herself easily slipping into old habits as she ducked, shot, and ducked again. Cutting her way through freelance mercenaries made her wince at times. Most of them had very little training, and it was simply not a fair fight. Shepard saw two freelancers go down in front of her on the bridge, and grimaced. Whomever this Archangel was, they were a damned good shot. Among the best she'd ever seen, if Archangel was truly alone.

"Let's hope Archangel doesn't get us, too." she said, scanning the bridge ahead of them.

"From the way we're killing mercs, he'd have to be blind to shoot at us. We're obviously allies." said Jacob confidently.

"He? Archangel could very well be female." said Miranda.

"Bet you he isn't." said Jacob.

"Alright. Usual stakes?" asked Miranda, and Shepard noticed a strange look cross Jacob's face. He seemed to steel himself, and then answered.

"Sure."

Shepard didn't have time to puzzle over the inner workings of her crew, not while bullets sang around her head. She rushed forward onto the bridge, taking out the freelancers as she went.

They made their way up the stairs. Shepard saw Archangel at the window overlooking the bridge, a wide Turian helmet obscuring his face.

"Archangel?" she asked. "Don't shoot! We're here to recruit you."

The man turned. He seemed to stagger back.

"Are you hurt?" asked Shepard, walking forward. She fiddled with her belt, pulling out a medical pack."We have some medi-gel, if you need it."

"Commander Shepard? Is that really you?" asked Archangel, and Shepard immediately recognized the voice.

"Garrus? You old dog! It's you!" she cried, and rushed to him. She stopped inches from him, and punched his shoulder. "I should have known; you always liked taking justice into your own hands."

"You must be a hallucination." said Garrus. "Just when I thought those merc bastards were going to get me, who comes storming in to save the day but Commander Jane Shepard? Just like old times, huh?"

"Look, as touching as this is, we need to get moving." said Miranda impatiently, tapping her foot.

Garrus turned, and noticed Miranda's uniform.

"You're working for Cerberus now?" he asked sharply.

"Yes. You need to trust me, Garrus. I'll get you out of here, and then I'll explain everything." said Shepard. Garrus squinted at her. Shepard knew he was looking at the scars on her face, and then he nodded. He then explained a plan to break through the mercenary lines.

Shepard paced around the communication room. Jacob's eyes followed her around the room.

"Try to take deep breaths, Commander. It's not good for biotics to get so upset, especially when they aren't trained. Broke an arm that way once, myself. He'll be fine. Doctor Chakwas was able to repair a lot of the damage." said Jacob.

"I hope so." said Shepard. The doors opened and Garrus strolled in, as casually as if he had just come from a midday stroll, not the medbay after getting half his face blown off by a gunship.

"Tough son of a bitch wasn't even supposed to be up yet." said Jacob admiringly.

Shepard looked up and grinned.

"How's it look?" asked Garrus, his voice slightly nervous.

"Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap a little face paint on there and no one will be able to tell the difference." said Shepard lightly, though the damage to Garrus's face was severe.

Garrus let out a breath. "Some women like facial scars. Of course, most of those women are Krogan." he mused. "I just wanted to tell you, Shepard, that I'm here when you need me."

Shepard smiled, and Jacob was a little taken aback at the brilliance of her smile. He had watched the video of the Commander's funeral, and the raw emotion in the voice of the lieutenant who had spoken about her had not seemed to mesh with the harsh, crude captain. Certainly not with what her reputation had been among Alliance soldiers; efficient, coldly professional, and completely aloof. Now, with her eyes soft and her lips pulled back in the first smile he had seen on her that was not a smirk, she was pretty. Jacob shuddered. He must really be suffering from a dry spell if he had started thinking that scary, sharp-eyed women like Shepard were pretty.

"You don't know how much that means to me, Garrus. Jacob, will you excuse us?" asked Shepard. Jacob jumped as if startled, and she gave him a strange look.

"Yes, ma'am." said Jacob and walked out.

"I know you must have your reasons for working with Cerberus. I had a look at the info you forwarded me, and I agree that the Collectors must be stopped." said Garrus, sitting painfully in a chair. "If you think they are working for the Reapers, that is all the reason I need."

"I tried every other way, believe me. I was not exactly happy to wake up on a Cerberus medical table, let me tell you. After what they did to Toombs, I thought the worst. From what I can tell, they haven't been able to control my mind. I was worried about that, after all the mind-control methods we saw in development. No, not even the Alliance would help me. All my years of service, everything I've done for them, you'd think I've earned a little leeway. Nope. They acted like Saren had orchestrated the attack on the Citadel, like I was just some crazy old veteran with visions. The Council then threatened to lock me up for treason." said Shepard.

"Surely you didn't make any incendiary comments leading up to this threat, did you?" asked Garrus, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Why, Garrus? Me?" asked Shepard, and batted her eyelashes. "I told them that next time they are relying on me to pull their asses out of the fire, I may just let them burn..."

Garrus gasped, and laughed, then held a hand up to his face."Hurts. To. Laugh. Oh, Shepard, it is definitely you. I was a little hesitant, with those glowing scars on your face, and the whole coming back from the dead thing was startling."

"Now we match." said Shepard. "Stick some l.e.d.'s in there, and we'll be goddamned twins."

Garrus grunted. "Hmm, except your face is all squishy and round. No artistry, no flare." he said, gesturing dramatically.

"No freakish mandibles, you mean." said Shepard, a sly smile on her face.

Garrus laughed. "Ah, well, to each their own, I guess."


	5. Chapter 5

1_** year, 3 months since Normandy crash.**_

Kaidan threw up, clutching the edges of the toilet as his head throbbed. His body seemed to be a conduit for the the arcs of electricity currently short-circuiting his brain. Kaidan wiped his mouth and got shakily to his feet. Staggering over to his bed, he fell into it.

_It's no better than you deserve, you murderer._

Kaidan groaned. Of all times, why did his conscience always flare up along with his migraines?

_Both are caused by the L2, that's why. First you kill Vyrnnus, and then you put your best friend in the hospital! What's wrong with you? You're a monster, just like Rahna thought._

Kaidan grimaced. He had finally put in his request in to Councilman Anderson, requesting to be re-assigned to active duty. Kaidan had also requested for the Sentinel specialization to be dropped from his title, replaced with the more mundane Engineer. To convince Anderson, he had included his excellent tech scores, and also pointed out that all but one of his special commendations had been for tech, not biotics. In a more personal plea, Kaidan wrote that experiencing the Normandy crash had made him apprehensive about combat, and that he would prefer more technical assignments. He didn't think Anderson would appreciate the truth, which was that Kaidan was afraid that his control over his biotics was not absolute, and he would snap and kill everyone with his mind. He knew that his reference to the Normandy, and by association, Shepard, would ensure his request was granted. It was not easy to have a specialization title changed, but someone as well respected as Anderson would be able to get it done. If not, Kaidan supposed he could always contact Admiral Hackett. Hackett had attended Shepard's funeral, and afterward, sent Kaidan a short message complimenting his speech.

A response pinged his omni-tool. Kaidan blinked at it, wincing as the light reached his eyes.

_Incoming message..._

Lieutenant Engineer Alenko,

Received your request, and it has been approved. Report for duty Monday, 2200, C-Sec Docking Bay.

-Councilor Anderson.

Kaidan noted the title change and smiled slightly. That was certainly prompt, much quicker than he had dared to anticipate. He hoped that avoiding use of his biotics would eventually mean that he would lose the ability to use them. The thought of his biotics reminded Kaidan's head of the pain it was supposed to be putting him through. Kaidan's stomach churned, and he sprinted back to the bathroom.

Kaidan gasped and laid his cheek against the cool tile. Three hours and innumerable flushes of the toilet later, he felt no better. It didn't help that the migraines made him think of dying, and thoughts of death always turned to Shepard. He thought of the pictures from his zee-gee textbook, of marines who been spaced. His mind warped the pictures so that it was Shepard's face he saw, grotesquely swollen and bright Asari blue. Kaidan gagged, by now only dry retching. He heard the squeak of rubber against tile and looked over to see a wheel next to him.

"Brian. I still don't know how you can manage to sneak up on me in a damned wheelchair." said Kaidan.

"Must be deaf as well as crazy." said the Asian man, folding muscular arms over his chest. "Also, watch this shit." the man frowned, an intense look of concentration on his face. The wheels on his chair lifted off the ground, and he floated forward.

"Wow." said Kaidan stupidly, and the chair crashed back to the ground. Brian grumbled as he landed.

"Damn it, Kaidan! I was concentrating! I can almost go two feet, now. Eventually I want to float everywhere." said Brian, rubbing his hands together. "I'll be all Aladin and shit. Everyone will want a ride on this magic carpet."

Kaidan laughed, then groaned, holding his head.

"Jesus, Kaidan. Pull yourself together, will you? I've abided by your requests for solitude, but your mom messaged me today, hottie that she is, to tell me that you are getting shipped out Monday. I couldn't let you leave without taking you out at least once. I hear the new nightclub Dark Star Lounge is almost as good as Flux was. Better yet, I heard that they make a Biotic Blaster: a drink guaranteed to keep us drunk at least two hours." said Brian.

"So I'm guessing you think right now is the best time." said Kaidan. "Plus, Flux was never good. You're nostalgic for a place that never actually existed."

"Yep." said Brian. "Come on, it's just a little headache, right? Here, take one of these." he said, and reached into his shirt pocket. He pulled out a white pill, coated in fuzz.

"No way, Brian." said Kaidan. "Obligatory Alliance drug tests, remember?"

"You know they can't measure it in biotics. Burns away too fast. This is just an aspirin, anyway, idiot. I'm a productive member of society now, no more Flare for me." said Brian, and grinned. "That reparation check paid for a new chair, and better yet, education. You're looking at the newest storyboard artist for _Blasto 2: Man O'War."_

Kaidan smiled genuinely. "That's great, Brian. I'm happy for you."

"Couldn't have done it without you and your commander, Kaidan. I can't say I was pleased when I heard you rescued Burns, but both he and Shepard kept their word. Chairman Burns managed to pass the bill, and it changed my life." said Brian, smiling brightly at Kaidan.

Kaidan felt a surge of shame. He was certainly not worthy of his friend's gratitude. "It wasn't me, Brian. The commander made sure-"

"Oh, stuff it, Kaidan. I keep up on biotic news, and had a couple friends in the group that captured Burns. If my legs worked, I'd have been with them. They told me what you said, how you convinced them." said Brian. "And what's with this 'the commander' stuff? Didn't you bone her? Shouldn't you be using her first name?"

Kaidan ignored him, his face a blank mask as he walked past his friend on the way to his bedroom.

"It's been half a year, Kaidan. It's not like you two were married. You didn't even know her that long, what a year, total? Why are you so hung up about it? I swear, this is worse than when you and Rahna-" shouted Brian.

Kaidan reappeared, wearing a clean black t-shirt and trousers. He also had a pistol strapped into a holster at his waist. "Brian, just shut up. Not all of us are heartless, free-wheeling bastards like you."

"Free-wheeling? Oh snap, did I just get insulted through puns?" asked Brian, grinning cheekily. "Anyway, I just thought maybe you'd like me to introduce you to someone. I have lots of friends with benefits. I don't mind giving one or two up for a brother in need.."

Kaidan kept quiet, though Brian spoke truth. Before the L2 had damaged his brain, rendering his legs useless, Brian had always had quite the female fan club. Incredibly, after the accident, he seemed to attract even more women. It helped that Brian had a handsome face. His artistic skill and massive self-confidence didn't hurt, either.

An hour later, Kaidan's headache was numbed by the aptly-named Biotic Blaster. Of course, he had slammed down four of them, and they had a nasty metallic aftertaste, but he couldn't be picky. He settled into a corner booth, watching Brian chat up a long-legged Asari. He showed her his floating trick and her eyes widened appreciatively. She walked back with Brian to the booth.

"Your friend tells me you are even better than he with biotics. I find this impossible, as I have never seen a human with his power." said the Asari.

"He's being modest." said Kaidan, his eyes flicking to Brian.

"I recognize you from somewhere. Were you on the Citadel News? I remember! You're that military hero, Alenko, was it? The one who saved the Citadel with Commander Shepard. I saw your speech. Emily Wong covered the funeral, didn't she? I heard she was the only reporter allowed clearance, something to do with a past history with the Commander. Is it true, the rumors about you and the Commander?" blurted the Asari.

Kaidan looked across the booth at Brian, who was mouthing apologies.

"No. You must be mistaken." said Kaidan. "I get that a lot."

"Oh. You look just like him!" said the woman, and giggled. "Do you want to dance?"

"Not one much for dancing." said Kaidan shortly, and then looked down at his drink.

Kaidan watched Brian and the woman talk, and tuned them out. The Asari got into Brian's lap, and Kaidan snuck away.

After two more nights of Brian's idea of fun, Kaidan was looking forward to his new assignment. The clubs were definitely not his scene. He also didn't especially enjoy Brian's endless attempts to set him up with his castoffs.

He soon found that throwing himself into his work was the easiest way to avoid thinking about Jane, as he had tentatively started calling her in his mind. Kaidan gained a reputation as the guy who will always fill in for you, the guy who never turned in an assignment late, the guy without a life. Some of his fellow Marines made good-natured fun of him, robot-dancing whenever he was around, trying to egg him into a smile. The familiar habit of working himself until he fell into bed, exhausted, quickly came back. Ash would have been ashamed to see all of her hard work in getting the uptight Lieutenant to relax had gone to waste. He smiled slightly, thinking of his friend. To think that he, the least deserving of their trio, was the last one alive was sobering. How could he have survived, and Shepard did not?

_** One year, six months after the Normandy crash**_...

.Kaidan found people were much more friendly, now that no one knew he was a biotic, thanks to "Sentinel" being removed from his title. Now that people no longer suspected him of trying to read their minds, he was actually invited to card games. Not that he accepted, but it was nice to be asked. It became a running joke among the others, who would be the one to finally make Commander Alenko laugh. The promotion hadn't been much of a surprise. He knew how military politics worked, and the Alliance couldn't very well have their last member of Shepard's squad be a lowly Lieutenant, could they?

Kaidan began to fake smiles, if only to be rid of the endless teasing directed his way. He slowly began to feel more numb, the pain of Shepard's death coating him like shellac.. Always rather reserved, he found it easy to keep to himself, and mind his own business. The people serving under him respected that he was a good commander, fair and firm, even if he kept to himself.

He logged into his email, checking his messages. After the funeral and Emily Wong's report, he had found it necessary to change his email address, due to the endless mail. Everyone wanted a piece of the man who may have been Commander Shepard's lover, this young hero who was now the face of humanity's rescue of the Council. He abandoned the old address, and now the only people who could reach him were on a very short list.

Whenever Kaidan had downtime, which wasn't often, thanks to his self-imposed workload, he obsessively checked the Extranet for news on his old crewmates. Garrus had completely disappeared. So had Liara, and strangely enough, Joker. Despite his high clearance access, Kaidan had been unable to uncover information on any of the three. He would have been convinced that they were dead, if not for occasional updates on each of them.

Garrus's messages came in the form of two or three line letters, sent from random public terminals.

"Alenko, you will be happy to know that 4 fewer scumbags stalk the galaxy. Keep up the good fight,

-Garrus."

That was the last message he had received from the Turian, over two months ago.

Occasionally, he also received messages from Joker. Usually they came in the form of ten minute late-night voicemails, either sobbing for forgiveness, angrily protesting his innocence, or a combination of the two. They, too, came over untraceable comm lines. He hadn't received one for close to three months, now. Joker had resigned from the Alliance, and Kaidan wondered if he had something to do with it. He couldn't imagine Joker ever forsaking flying completely, but he hadn't uncovered reports of any crack pilots flying for mercenary groups, either.

Liara was much more difficult to track down. Kaidan heard nothing from her, and had to rely on shadowy trails through Extranet reports. He found a few that might be her, reports on a mysterious, ruthless, very young Asari setting herself up as an information broker. He didn't like to think that the gentle, awkward scientist had become a ruthless businesswoman, but the physical description was dead-on. Kaidan also hadn't forgotten Liara's formidable mother, the late Matriarch Benezia, or the power Liara had wielded against the waves of geth in Ilos. No, it must be her. It seemed Jane's death had changed more than just him, and not for the better.

Kaidan impatiently scrolled through his daily sites. He heard a ping and accessed his secure Alliance inbox.

"Staff Commander Alenko,

Please go over attached documents. It seems Cerberus is up to something. With your past history, I thought you would like to be informed."

-Councilor Anderson.

Kaidan frowned and accessed the attachments. If the numbers were correct, Cerberus had been very busy laundering money over the last year and half. Over four billion dollars were allocated to one project, which was very strange, for Ceberus. From Kaidan's experience with them in the past, he knew Cerberus never liked to put all their eggs in one basket. His omni-tool blinked again.

"Staff Commander Alenko,

You have been assigned to the newly-formed Cerberus Taskforce. All your activities are now classified. Alert family and friends that you will not be in contact for the foreseeable future. You are recalled to the Citadel, effective immediately, whereupon you will be given one week shore leave, to say your goodbyes.

-Councilor Anderson."

Kaidan began packing up his things. He felt a foreign spark of excitement, something he had not felt in a very long time. It would be a welcome change, to be actually doing something of worth, rather than his dull assignments of the past year, charting emissions and heat variances, and assigning his engineering teams to do much of the same. The most exciting assignment had involved fixing a deep-space satellite, which was a tribute to how truly dull his life had become. Kaidan ran over all the horrifying abuses he had seen at the hands of Cerberus, and felt a slight spring to his step. Yes, it would be good to have a goal, an adversary other than bar graphs.

Kaidan transferred ships and arrived at the Citadel twelve hours later. He walked quickly away from the docking bay. He was suddenly gripped very tightly, and instinctively his skin was alight with dark energy. Damn. Over a year of non-use, and his biotics were still very much in working order.

"Kaidan! David told me you were coming! Ouch, watch the dark energy, honey." said Kaidan's mother, wincing and rubbing her hand. "You're like a bug zapper, I swear."

Someone glided toward them, then came to a rather abrupt stop. Brian sat, panting.

Kaidan applauded politely.

"I work all week on that little display, and that's all the thanks I get? See if I welcome you home next time." said Brian.

"You two knew last week I would be ashore? Secondly, it's not me you've been working on that for." asked Kaidan, frowning.

"Of course. David never keeps anything from me." said Regina self-importantly. She fluffed her hair, smiling at the thought of the handsome Councilor. "Now, come along, I put a little shindig together."

"Mom, you didn't. You know I hate crowds, and noise." said Kaidan, looking for an escape route.

"I did. You'll do this for your poor, lonesome mother, won't you?" wheedled Regina.

Kaidan laughed. "Of everyone I know, you're the least lonesome." Regina had many adoring friends and a very active social life.

"I was lonesome for my son. Big, important Alliance man that he is, he never has time for me anymore." said Regina. "You'll come, won't you, honey?"

"Only if you promise to stop guilt-tripping me." said Kaidan. "Not as if I have a choice, anyway." he grumbled.

"Honestly, if I hadn't seen you come out of my own body, I would swear you weren't my son. Who doesn't like a party?" huffed Regina good-naturedly.

Kaidan winced at the image, hearing Brian's laughter in his ear.

"I invited a few of the old gang from Brain camp." said Brian, wheeling alongside Kaidan.

Kaidan looked at him and groaned. "Don't tell me you invited Matt. Please, please, not Matt."

A guilty look crossed Brian's face. "He somehow found out, Kaidan. Don't ask me how. Anyway, I had to invite him, then."

"Good God. I hope the years have mellowed him." said Kaidan, thinking about the hyperactive man they both knew.

"You know they haven't. Only now, he's crazy, too." said Brian.

"What? What do you mean, crazy? L2 crazy?" asked Kaidan, his stomach sinking. Mentally, he ticked off another on his list of classmates damaged by the implant.

Brian nodded. "His mother messaged me, told me about it. Spent some time in the mental hospital, got involved with the extremists for a while, you know. Now he spends his free time, which is all of his time because he can't hold down a job, collecting Shepard memorabilia."

"Oh Christ." swore Kaidan. "And he's coming? Wonderful."

"I also got Steven and Marta to come." said Brian.

Kaidan brightened a little. "I can't believe either of them had time in their schedules. They're so busy these days."

"Yes, they consult on many committees for the Council regarding disability rights." said Brian. "Invited me to one of their meetings. Terribly boring. Still, they do important work."

Kaidan thought about his friends and internally winced. Of their eight member "lights-out" group from Brain Camp, he was one of only two who had survived without severe side effects from the L2. One suffered massive hemorrhaging and died soon after BAAt had been closed down. Two,now including Matt, had suffered brain damage and now lived with severe mental illness. Brian, Steven, and Marta all lived with varying degrees of physical disability, ranging from near-total paralysis in Steven's case to severe tremors, in Marta's. Brian considered himself lucky, only losing the use of his legs from the hips down. For the first five months after BAAt, Kaidan had distanced himself from his old friends, unable to face his guilt about having such light effects. Then Brian, his best friend from BAAt, had confronted him...

"So, you can't bear to look at me anymore, is that it? You're crushed under the weight of your enormous sadness for me, aren't you? Well, fuck you, Kaidan, for being such a coward! You think I need your damned pity?" shouted Brian. He had tracked Kaidan down to his shoebox apartment in the Wards, and then had hacked the door open, furiously rolling in.

"Are you embarrassed of us? Afraid if people see us with you, they'll know you're an L2, too? Or is it because I can't walk? Don't want people to think you're hanging out with some kind of retard?"

"That's not it, Brian. I don't care if people know I'm an L2, and I certainly don't give a shit about your wheelchair." said Kaidan quietly.

"Then what is it, Kaidan? Brain camp gets shut down, and you disappear? I thought we were friends, Kaidan!" said Brian.

Kaidan looked down at him and realized how utterly stupid he had been.

"I don't know what came over me, Brian. I thought maybe you'd hate me, for not having such bad side effects." said Kaidan. "And after how scared Rahna is, I didn't know if anyone wanted me around anymore."

"Who cares what Rahna thinks? Me, hate you? Because you can walk? Oh, I'm jealous, to be sure, but I just see this as levelling the playing field. " said Brian.

Kaidan cocked his head.

"Well, now maybe you'll get a little more female attention while you're at my side." said Brian, and grinned. It had always been as easy as that, with Brian. The first day of Brain Camp, Kaidan had been terrified. He had never even been outside Vancouver before, much less in space. Brian had strolled up to him, bowed formally, and then said,

"Confucius say, Man who fart in church must sit in his own pew."

Kaidan had looked at him strangely, and then burst into laughter.

"Oh thank God, finally, someone who laughs! I don't know about these other kids, man. I was beginning to wonder if I was the only biotic with a sense of humor." said Brian. "I'm Brian Wang, and yes, I have heard every possible joke involving my last name."

Kaidan smiled shyly. "I'm Kaidan. Kaidan Alenko."

Kaidan shook his head to clear it and saw Brian and Regina waiting impatiently.

"I invited some of the young people from Odyssey." said Regina. "Some of the younger scientists are very excited to meet my famous son."

_ Or kiss up to their powerful boss," _thought Kaidan, and then immediately chided himself for being unkind. His mother was really trying to cheer him up, even if her attempts were misguided.

Kaidan looked down at himself. He wore the standard-issue blue fatigues, and sighed. Well, it would have to do. It wasn't as if he wanted to impress anyone there.

Kaidan walked through the door to his mother's condo. It was fashionably designed, with artwork from the latest hot artists, and every "artisan" detail money could buy. Kaidan laughed to himself, thinking what the people at the party would say if they knew what his mother's bedroom looked like. The rest of the condo was a showpiece, intended to impress visitors, and had a cold, impersonal feeling. Regina's bedroom was an explosion of color, with a heavy, gaudy quilt on the bed, framed paintings by a preschool-aged Kaidan, and an odd collection of ceramic chickens. It was definitely not trendy, but it was comfortable, and completely Regina.

Kaidan scanned the crowd, looking for Marta or Steven. He saw Marta's back and started toward her. The woman talking to Marta met his eyes, and Kaidan felt his stomach twist. Rahna.

Rahna was as pretty as she had ever been. She still wore her brown hair long, and it curled at the ends, glossy, past her shoulders. The pearls around her throat and the pink dress she wore enhanced her delicate, petite stature. Rahna's hazel eyes registered him, and then widened. In horror or pleasure, Kaidan did not know. He did not care to know, either. Kaidan turned around swiftly and marched over to Brian.

Brian looked up at him, and saw Kaidan's stony expression.

"Look, she messaged me after the Battle of the Citadel, said she wanted to see you again." said Brian. "You know how she is. Can't deny her anything." he said, and shrugged in a helpless fashion.

Kaidan glared down at him. "I don't know what you hoped to accomplish with this, other than making this party completely awkward for me."

"Oh, it won't be so bad. Maybe now you'll finally get closure." said Brian.

Kaidan hissed a breath through his teeth, about to argue, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Kaidan." said Rahna quietly. Kaidan looked at her steadily.

"It's been a long time, Kaidan. How are you?" she asked.

"Fine. I'm just fine." said Kaidan. He noted that her English was still lightly accented. He also noted that the accent no longer provoked any reaction in him. "How have you been, Rahna?"

"I've been well. I work for my family's jewelry company. We've had a lot of success in Asari markets recently." said Rahna.

"That's nice." said Kaidan. "Well, it was nice seeing you." Kaidan turned away from her, intending to speak with Steven.

"Kaidan, wait." said Rahna.

Kaidan turned slowly.

"I came here because I wanted to see you. I miss you." said Rahna, her eyes pleading.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

"I know we didn't part on the best of terms, but I wondered if we could start over." said Rahna.

Kaidan laughed sharply. "Didn't part on the best of terms? That's how you're putting it? I seem to remember you backing away, telling me that I was a monster, a murderer, that I scared you."

"We were young, Kaidan." said Rahna.

"So you're not afraid of me anymore?" asked Kaidan, sneering.

"No." said Rahna.

Kaidan heard Jane's voice in his head. _You nearly got killed for her, and she abandoned you? What the hell is wrong with her?_

Kaidan took a step toward Rahna, menace showing in his walk. "I've had military biotic training now." he said.

"I know. I saw the vid of Jane Shepard's funeral. You gave a very touching speech." said Rahna, trembling slightly, though holding her ground. "I hope that when I die, you give a speech like that about me."

Kaidan's mouth set in a thin, angry line. Hearing Jane's name come out of Rahna's mouth seemed like blasphemy, like the worst kind of betrayal. Even now, Rahna was clearly afraid of him, her eyes wide, her mouth trembling like she was about to cry.

"Don't you dare mention her to me." said Kaidan sharply. "Commander Shepard was the best, bravest, most noble person I have ever met. You think you can come back here after what, seventeen years, and I'll just trot after you like the lovesick puppy I was? You saw on the vid that I wasn't yours anymore, didn't you? That I hadn't been, for a long time, and that bothered you."

Kaidan watched Rahna's face, watched the tears gathering in her eyes. The tears, which had once spurred him into any action she had wanted from him, now just made him angry.

"You're the same you ever were. To you, I'll always be the same murderous bastard I ever was. It will never change. Goodbye, Rahna." said Kaidan, and turned sharply away from her. He heard her footsteps retreating quickly, heard the hiss of the door as she left. An odd sense of relief came over him. Maybe Brian had been correct in bringing Rahna here. Seventeen years of guilt evaporated.

Kaidan enjoyed talking with Steven and Marta, with whom he commiserated over Ambassador Udina, who was apparently the same jackass he had always been.

Matt cornered him, his mouth moving a thousand words a second. Kaidan patiently answered Matt's questions until Matt's mother came to collect him. She approached nervously.

"I just wanted to thank you, Mr. Alenko. Matt was so excited to come tonight. This will be the highlight of his year." said Matt's mother, a small, birdlike woman with curly brown hair.

"It was my pleasure. It's always nice to see a classmate." said Kaidan sincerely, and watched them leave. It made him sad to see Matt in such a state.

A woman sat down next to him.

"That was a decent thing you did there." she said. Kaidan peered at her.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" he asked.

"Dr. Fran Smith." said the woman, holding out a soft, manicured hand. "I am in charge of the medical clinic at Biotic Odysseys."

"Pleased to meet you. I hope my mother didn't twist your arm too hard to get you to come to this." said Kaidan.

"Oh, no, I was excited to see the amazing condo. Did you know that your mother hired none other than Jacques Schwartz for the interior design? His waiting list is at least three years long. How she managed it, I have no idea." said the woman.

Kaidan watched her pink, painted mouth move.

"I'm sorry, am I boring you?" she asked suddenly.

"No, of course not." said Kaidan politely, though he never encountered a more dull conversationalist.

"I am! Well, then, what are your interests?" asked Fran. "You're in the Alliance, right? You fought in the Battle of the Citadel. That must have been exciting."

"It was. Of course, by that time I was running on 34 hours with no sleep, so I don't remember much of it." said Kaidan. He remembered nearly every minute of it, but most of the details were classified.

Fran gasped. "But you're a biotic, aren't you? Don't you need a lot of sleep?"

"Not when the galaxy is at stake." answered a dramatic voice from behind the couch they were sitting on.

Brian wheeled himself around the edge, his black hair artistically tousled, a charming smile on his face.

"Don't let his modesty fool you. Kaidan's a hero. Practically took down the geth single-handedly." said Brian proudly, clapping a hand on Kaidan's arm. "I've known him since we were teenagers, and you won't find a better guy."

Kaidan felt the doctor look him up and down, and suddenly felt like a specimen under a microscope. He shifted uncomfortably.

"So, Dr. Smith, does it ever get exciting at the clinic?" he asked, desperate to deflect her intense scrutiny.

"Oh please, call me Fran! Not especially. Once, a biotic amp prototype blew up in a researcher's hands, and she had to be treated for second-degree burns, but that is about the most extreme injury I've treated. Nothing like what you must have seen. You have medic training, don't you? I think your mother told me." said Fran, batting her eyelashes at him, her blue eyes large and luminous.

Kaidan only barely kept himself from rolling his eyes. Kaidan hated nothing more than women who tried to act stupid to attract men. Here was a brilliant medical doctor (his mother hired no one mediocre), simpering at him over his slight field medic training. Kaidan felt a deep longing for Jane Shepard's acerbic commentary. She never dumbed herself down. She was someone who had been comfortable in her own skin, a very rare trait, Kaidan was finding.

Kaidan was relieved when he found an excuse to leave the couch, and Fran's constant attention. Fran was attractive, he supposed, as he was getting up. She sported all the best gene-mods, with flawless, lightly tanned skin, long legs, and a slim figure. Her hair was expertly styled, and blonde. It all added up to an image of beauty which Kaidan, frankly, found dull. He thought fondly on Jane's "faults": of the freakishly long middle toes, of the scar bisecting her face, which she stubbornly refused to have fixed. He smiled, thinking of Jane's light brown hair, which had often been wild around her face, despite her constant attacks on it with a comb, and the grey eyes which had fluctuated between green and blue.

Fran mistook his smile as a come on, and smiled back, her white teeth gleaming.

"Would you like to meet me for drinks, Kaidan?" asked Fran suddenly.

Kaidan frowned slightly. After all his time in the military, he found it startling to be addressed by his first name by those to whom he was not close. He knew she meant nothing by it, but he still found it faintly insulting.

"Of course he will. What time? He only has until the end of the week." said Brian.

Kaidan glared at Brian, drawing a finger over his throat over the top of Fran's head. Brian ignored him.

"Six o'clock, on Wednesday? Flux? He'll be there." said Brian, and smiled angelically.

Kaidan wanted to protest, to throw a fit and refuse, but he just sighed. It was only drinks, and soon after, he would be gone.

The date was a disaster. No, disaster would imply some degree of excitement. Kaidan's opinion on Dr. Fran Smith quickly degenerated from 'barely tolerable' to 'excruciatingly dull'. She talked endlessly about the latest artists at the International Gallery of Design, newly added to the Presidium. Kaidan had little to no interest in interior design, least of all, furniture design. He nodded, only half-listening to anything she said. Then, his omni-tool beeped and he began accessing his messages without even thinking about it.

"How rude!" huffed Fran.

Kaidan looked up apologetically. "Sorry. Alliance business. I have to take this." he said, and walked quickly from the bar, perhaps with more haste than necessary to read an email, even if the email was marked "URGENT."

"Alenko,

Human colony missing. Cerberus suspected. Meet me in my office a.s.a.p.

-Councilor Anderson."

Kaidan hurried to Anderson's office.

"The entire colony is gone without a trace? No witnesses?" asked Kaidan. "What about surveillance?"

"Scrambled. None of the footage is salvageable. Here are the mission reports." said Anderson, and pushed a datapad over to Kaidan. "I don't need to say this, but your shore leave has been suspended."

"Thank God." said Kaidan.

Anderson looked at him strangely, then laughed. "I've never met anyone as dedicated to work as you, Alenko. Except maybe Shepard, but even she knew how to savor shore leave." he said. "Let me know what you think about the reports."

Kaidan sat down on the couch in Anderson's office and began reading.

Kaidan was finishing up the last mission report when heard the door hiss open.

"Another one!" said Anderson. "Another human colony, vanished. We got a tip on the colony that might be next. We think Cerberus might be responsible. I want you to go out there yourself, Alenko."

Kaidan looked up, startled. "Why would Cerberus do this?" he asked. "More sick experiments?"

"We think alike. I've received approval to up your security clearance. You now have access to details on all the experiments you witnessed or stopped, plus a few you missed. Read up on them on your way out to the colony. It's two relay jumps away, so you'll have a few days." said Anderson.

Kaidan saluted and left, his mind buzzing with excitement. He wrote short goodbye notes to his mother and friends, and then boarded the ship waiting for him.

Kaidan spent the next two days reading, aghast at what he found. The experiments with the colonists on Zhu's Hope had only been a small incident in a long history of brutal experimentation on human subjects. The report he currently held in front of him made his stomach churn. Had he been born just a little bit later, he very well might have met his fate on Pragia.

The facility there tortured and killed children, all for the purpose of furthering biotic research. The experiences of the subjects there made his at Jump Zero seem like a picnic, in comparison. He read about barbaric experiments involving seemingly random stimuli: freezing temperatures, repeated exposure to radioactive chemicals, and mental anguish, all of which had the same goal: increased biotic potential. Very few of the experiments produced any result but death in the subjects. Kaidan scrolled through the pictures of tiny bodies, laid out in a row in a morgue. Many of the bodies bore burns. All of them looked malnourished and pale. The oldest subjects in the reports were seventeen. The same age Kaidan had been when he killed Vyrnuss. The same age Jane had been on Akuze. Akuze. Yet another of Cerberus's disgusting experiments. Kaidan stared down at the report, and realized he was breathing in short, enraged pants. He wanted nothing more than to tear the organization down, to execute whomever responsible. Kaidan saw the faint blue of dark energy glowing around him. He slowed his breathing until it disappeared.

Kaidan felt sick, and sad. He walked over to his pack, and reached into one of the front pockets. Gripping the picture, he pulled it out. Jane smiled up at him, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright. The Kaidan in the photo looked a thousand years younger than the person he now was. He wondered if he would ever feel the same happiness again. He thought back on what should have been a night filled with terror and anxiety, given that they had been flying toward almost-certain death, but instead, had been the best night of his life.

**Night Before Ilos:**

Kaidan paced outside the door, careful to avoid the facial-recognition camera, which would open the door immediately. What would he say? "Oh, hi...we're probably gonna die, wanna fuck?" suggested a voice which sounded suspiciously like Brian's in his head. Kaidan heard a hiss from the ventilation shaft above him, and looked up. Long enough for the camera to catch his likeness and open the door.

"Shit." he thought. Shepard turned, worry showing briefly in her eyes before she regained control of her face. Kaidan briefly considered turning and running down the hall.

_ You are a grown man. Get a hold on yourself. You're 32, not 15 and seeing breasts for the first time._

"Something I can help you with, Alenko?" she asked, looking him slowly up and down. Kaidan felt her gaze as if it had been her hands.

"Uh, Commander?" he managed.

Jane Shepard got to her feet and walked up to him, barely a foot away. She smiled wryly.

"You probably shouldn't call me that. You probably shouldn't even be wearing that uniform, come to think of it." she said lightly, thought Kaidan saw the anguish in her eyes. He knew how much she valued her life in the military, how proud she was to be the first human Spectre.

"Yeah, hell of a thing. We broke our oath to the Alliance, so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? I mean, we mutinied, stole a prototype warship. Hell, if they wanted to get technical, they could even throw in kidnapping." said Kaidan.

Shepard winced. He placed a finger under her chin and tipped her face up. "If I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here. It'll really hit the fan once we get to Ilos. If things don't go well; I want you to know-" he started.

"_Know what? That you love her? That you've been a fool for her since the very first time you laid eyes on her?"_ mocked the voice in Kaidan's head. He ignored it. Shepard looked up at him expectantly, her grey eyes darkening, glinting blue against her uniform.

"Well, I've enjoyed serving under you." said Kaidan, and winced internally at what he had just said. Was he completely unable to talk around her? He took a step forward, closing the distance between them. If he was a bumbling idiot with words, at least he was not with actions.

"I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me, Kaidan. Don't you think we should rectify that?" asked Shepard, a wicked smile lighting her face.

Kaidan laughed nervously. "Ha, I walked right into that one. Ma'am."

Shepard put a hand on his arm. Her hand felt cool against his skin. Thanks to exposure to eezo in utero, Kaidan tended to run a few degrees higher than the average human.

"You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago." said Shepard, her hand now on his chest, her closeness making his head spin.

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard. There are regs against fraternization." said Kaidan, and kicked himself. What was he saying? Oh God, why didn't she put him out of his misery and kiss him already, rather than let him blather on like an idiot. "Ha, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list on our charges at our courts martial."

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him, but stayed silent. The silence made Kaidan more nervous.

"You know? You're right. About everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. And the galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I; we, are important right now. And this is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you make me feel human." said Kaidan, the thoughts he had kept in the past months bursting out of him. He never thought he would care about another woman again, not after the disaster with Rahna, yet here he was, foolishly in love with his commanding officer. He met Shepard's eyes.

"Bunk here with me tonight, Kaidan." she said. Kaidan felt a thrill go through him at her words.

"Is that an order, Commander?" he asked slyly.

Shepard smirked, and then her mouth took on a more serious shape.

"I'm not looking for a pet, Kaidan. I'd have gone elsewhere for that." said Shepard, and ran her hand up his arm.

"I'm glad you didn't." said Kaidan stupidly. His mind began turning her words over. Where else would she have gone? Liara? Joker? No, not Joker, his bones would break. Garrus? Oh, God, Wrex?

Shepard laughed, snapping him out of his list-making. "I bet you are."

They looked at one another for a moment, and then Shepard's arms were around his neck, her legs encircling his waist. Kaidan kissed her desperately, his teeth scraping across her lips. She rocked forward in his arms and they fell backward onto her bed. She hurriedly stripped him of his clothing, swift and sure. Kaidan's hands were not so steady, and trembled a little at her belt buckle.

"It has been a long time, for me." he said softly.

Shepard smiled and lowered her mouth to his neck. She made an appreciative sound against it. "You always smell so good, Kaidan." she murmured.

Kaidan concentrated on controlling his impulses, which were currently telling him to roll his commander onto her back and crawl on top of her.

"You noticed how I smell ?" he asked.

"Of course I did. Drove me crazy, too. You play damned hard to get, Lieutenant." said Shepard, and wiggled out of her pants.

"Best things are worth waiting for, I think." said Kaidan, and ran his hands up her back. He felt the sleek, hard muscle ripple under his fingers. All those months of innuendo and unspoken longing suddenly seemed absolutely worth it, to be here, now, with her. He pulled her head down to his and kissed the white, silvery scar above her lip.

This had a visible effect on her. She stiffened, and a tremor ran up her, from her knees to the back of her neck. Kaidan reached up a hand to push the hair out of her eyes, his fingertips brushing where the scar began, just above her right temple. Shepard looked down at him, her eyes soft, then straddled him. Kaidan looked up at her and she met his gaze, licking her lips. She shifted, swiftly taking him into her. Kaidan gasped at the sudden wetness and heat. He dug his fingers into her back, reigning himself back in. She moved her hips swiftly against him, her abdominal muscles clenching with the effort. When she threw her head back and cried out Kaidan lost control and drove himself up into her, shuddering.

Shepard stretched across his chest, panting lightly.

"So, Alenko, status report on the last mission." she said, and snorted in laughter against his neck. He grinned and stroked a long finger down her spine. She shivered slightly, and he could feel her smile, wide against his throat.

"I was under the impression the last mission was a training exercise, ma'am." said Kaidan, and cocked an eyebrow at Shepard.

"Nothing gets by you, does it, Lieutenant. Well, carry on." said Shepard grandly, and stretched, grinding her hips into his.

"Aye, aye, ma'am." said Kaidan, and returned his attention to her soft, white neck.

_** One Year, Six Months since Normandy crash.**_

Kaidan sighed. He wondered what it would be like, to slowly lose the memory of your loved one's face. He sometimes thought it might be preferable to the burning brand her image had made in his mind. Without any effort, he could recall each detail perfectly, and each of those details caused him to find every other woman he met lacking. He stretched out on his bunk in the mostly-empty crew barracks, and let sleep claim him.

"E.T.A Horizon Colony, ten minutes." chimed a voice. Kaidan opened his eyes, and then jumped out of bed. How could have he overslept? He had planned to make a good impression on the colonists. Kaidan hurriedly dressed and then stood in front of the mirror, combing his hair. He had just finished lacing his boots when the ship came to a shuddering stop. He shouldered his pack and made his way to the ramp.


	6. Chapter 6

_** Two years, three weeks since Normandy crash.**_

Shepard punched the wall next to her monitor, then looked down at her knuckles in fascination. The scrape was already healing. She looked up at the wall, which showed no damage from her fist, a tribute to the integrity of Cerberus's engineering. Shepard knew she was faster and stronger than she had ever been. She peered again at her hand. It seemed perfectly human. Shepard knew logically she wouldn't be able to see wires, that cybernetics were nearly impossible to detect, but some irrational part of her brain still expected sparking wires, and oil instead of blood.

The real reason for the outburst was not scientific curiosity. No, it was frustration, and sadness. Sadness had always manifested as rage for Shepard. Looking down at the datapad on the desk next to her, Shepard once again felt the desire to drive her fist into something.

The datapad contained all the files on Subject Zero, or Jack, as she preferred to be called. At Jack's insistence, Shepard had commandeered the files, and planned on taking them down to her. Curiosity had overtaken her first, and she began scanning through them. Some of the experiments, she had already known about, and while they sickened her, they didn't provoke the intense reaction she was having. No, it was a brief reference three hundred pages in that had Shepard enraged. A reference to an industrial "accident," which Kaidan had told her about. Here, in front of her, was proof that the freighters which had exploded over human settlements, scattering eezo over them, was entirely deliberate. Worse yet, she was now forced into working with the very people who had killed thousands or tens of thousands of children, the eezo mutating their cells and manifesting as cancer. Kaidan hadn't come right out and told her that he thought the "accidents" were deliberate, but Shepard had been able to see the suspicion in his eyes. How in the hell was she going to explain this to him? He deserved to know, as did other human biotics. The information in her hands was enough to sink Cerberus. Shepard knew it, and also knew for that reason, the data must not be released, not until she was able to complete her mission. She had never been forced into a situation like this before. Was this what being a traitor felt like?

The door buzzed. Shepard tapped her omni-tool, saw Jack pacing outside her door, and tapped it again. The door opened, and the girl stormed in.

"We had a deal, Shepard. Where are those files?" she asked, baring her teeth.

Shepard looked at her coolly. "They are right here, Jack. I had some questions, myself, and chose to read them before giving them to you."

Jack bristled. "You read my fucking files? Give 'em to me!" she said, and made a grab.

Shepard held the pad out of reach, then met Jack's glare. She set the datapad on the chair next to her, her gaze never leaving Jack's.

"Before I give them to you, I need to make one thing perfectly clear. I am the one who is in charge here. You want to challenge that, I welcome you to try. However, you should know that I do not give second chances. You betray me, and I will kill you." said Shepard, her voice perfectly calm and quiet.

"You give that speech to everyone? I know who's boss. For now." said Jack.

"Good. Here you go." said Shepard, and tapped a few keys on the datapad. "It's been transferred."

Jack nodded and then whirled dramatically, her loud footsteps echoing as she down the hall. Shepard smirked. She had been like Jack, once, all rankle and gall. It had taken a speech from Commander Harrison very similar to the one she had just given Jack, plus years of being put in her place by people stronger and deadlier than her, to finally learn civility. Of course, Shepard had had the advantages of desperately wanting to be in the Alliance, of willingness to change. She wasn't sure Jack really wanted to be on the Normandy, nor that she had any intention of changing.

Shepard sighed. Well, it wasn't like she hadn't had to put new soldiers in their places before. She hadn't risen so quickly in the Alliance without the ability to read people and assess their threat level immediately. Jack wasn't a threat, not yet. Without a firm hand, she may decide to attempt a mutiny, but Shepard had no intention of giving the girl any leeway.

Shepard rode the elevator down to the command level. She stepped off, heading for Mordin's lab.

"Hello, Professor. How is your research on the seeker swarm going?" asked Shepard pleasantly.

"Good. Made much progress." said Mordin. The frantic energy surrounding him always invigorated Shepard, and she enjoyed talking with the Salarian. He seemed to like having her around, and delighted in telling her gruesome stories from his time with the Salarian Task Group (STG), or from his time on the clinic on Omega.

"So, Mordin, are you ready to tell me what, exactly you were working on with the STG?" asked Shepard. The salarian had been remarkably (for him) close-mouthed about the nature of the project he had spent many years of his life on. She didn't expect him to tell her, was in fact just pestering the doctor, wondering if he would explode if made too agitated.

"Genophage alteration." he said suddenly.

Shepard frowned. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Krogan population rising. Evolving, overcoming mutation. Genophage needed to be altered, to continue working."

Shepard felt the air leave her lungs. She had thought Mordin crazy, homicidal, even, but a genocidal maniac?

"You're telling me you're responsible for the genophage virus?" asked Shepard quietly. Anyone who knew her well would have been immediately alarmed by her calm tone. Mordin didn't pick up on it.

"Not original virus. Modified virus. Much more difficult." he boasted.

"That's monstrous, Mordin. Do you see what has happened to the Krogan, because of you? They're dying out from the virus, but they're also killing themselves from within. How could you do this?" asked Shepard, horror and disgust filling her.

"Every simulation showed eventual Krogan invasion. Could not let that happen. Saved lives, prevented war. Did good work." said Mordin, a stubborn set to his mouth.

"You did NOT do good work." said Shepard, advancing on the man. She poked him in the chest and he frowned, then crossed his arms over his chest.

"You would have preferred invasion, war? Genophage kinder. Krogan not dying out. Genophage allows for sustainable growth." said Mordin.

Shepard shook her head. "I should have known. God, Cerberus is good at finding monsters." she said, and turned sharply, walking out. She did not see Mordin watch her leave, his eyes strangely sad.

Shepard walked to her usual haven on the ship, the cockpit.

"Hey, Joker." she said, and sat in the co-pilot's chair. "Oo, these seats are nice. At least if we have to sell our souls, we'll do it in style." said Shepard.

"I think that's kind of the point, Commander." said Joker. Shepard looked at him strangely.

"Well, no one sells their soul to the devil for pleather and light beer, ma'am. Leather and microbrew for us, all the way." he joked.

Shepard smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes.

"Something the matter?" asked Joker. "There's a psychiatrist on board, you know. She's probably much better for this kind of thing."

Shepard laughed. "But then I wouldn't get to see you squirm. What do you take me for, Joker? You think I'm gonna come up here and talk about my period?"

"Please don't." said Joker.

"Do you have a biological inquiry, Commander? I have have complete databases on the function of the female human body, as Mr. Monreau is well aware." said EDI.

Shepard threw her head back and laughed at the blush creeping up Joker's neck.

"I didn't think scientific manuals were your thing, Joker. Didn't you used to have more adventurous tastes? Voyeurism and the like?" teased Shepard.

"You'll never let that go, will you? For your information, I was simply looking through the manuals that EDI had to offer. It gets boring in the cockpit sometimes, and a man can only watch so much porn before he goes blind." said Joker. "And you, Intercom. Stop listening to our conversation."

"One of my duties aboard the Normandy is surveillance." said EDI self-importantly.

"Spying, you mean. God, you're nosy." complained Joker.

Shepard laughed. "Well, Joker, you did exactly what I hoped you would do."

"What's that? Was an amazing pilot in addition to being ruggedly handsome?" asked Joker.

"All that, plus you were able to take my mind off the people we travel with." said Shepard, leaning back into the seat. "Did you know Mordin engineered a genocide?

"I kind of got that vibe from him, yeah." said Joker.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "No, he really did. The Genophage? Courtesy of our little Salarian friend."

"Christ." swore Joker. "Cerberus really knows how to pick 'em."

"I know, right? What's next, Garrus is going to turn out to be a baby-eater?" asked Shepard.

"Ugh, not human babies. Too gooey and allergy-inducing." said a dry voice behind them. "You shouldn't be too hard on Mordin. It had to be done."

"Garrus, don't even tell me that you think the genophage was a good decision." said Shepard.

"The Krogan were taking over the galaxy. They had to be stopped." insisted Garrus.

Shepard's mouth set in a firm line. "And how long before they say that about humans, Garrus? Liara once told me that the other races see humanity as a bully, and that we're expanding too fast. How long before someone decides to wipe us out?"

They glared at each other for a moment, and then Shepard shook her head. "I don't want to argue with you, Garrus. What did you come find me for?"

"Actually, he was most likely looking for Mr. Monreau." said EDI. "Mr. Vakarian and Mr. Monreau enjoy speculating on members of the crew, with yourself being the most popular subject, by 12%, closely followed by arguments regarding females of their respective species."

Shepard looked at the men, who both avoided her gaze.

"What, exactly, do they speculate on regarding me, EDI?" asked Shepard.

"Don't answer that!" said Joker quickly.

"Never mind, I don't want to know." said Shepard, and stood up. "I'm hungry, anyway. Damned biotics make me feel like I can never get full."


	7. Chapter 7

_** Two years, two months since Normandy crash. **_

__Lilith Tayotovich passed the small house on the way to her own. She paused, curiosity peaked. According to local rumor, the man sent by the Alliance, Commander Alenko, was no doubt doing something depraved in his free time. Betting was pretty close between two possible scenarios: watching the surveillance videos of the colony or masturbating to something horrible on the Extranet. Those colonists who were especially uncharitable bet on the likelihood of Alenko masturbating while watching the surveillance videos.

She heard someone stumble into something inside. The Commander she knew was a perfectly nice person, and personally, she did not think the rumours were correct. Still, Lilith was nothing if not curious. Lilith crept to the window, and peered in. The door slid open.

"Lilith." said the normally impeccable man, now looking like he had wrestled a piejack and lost, with his black hair hanging in his eyes, shirt wrinkled and untucked. "How're you?" he asked, and Lilith smelled alcohol. Strong alcohol.

"Commander, what you doing?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Armishtice Day. Gotta shelebrate." he said, holding up a bottle of something blue. And glowing.

Lilith pushed him backwards, back into his house. He sat on the couch, smiling in an idiotic fashion. Lilith wondered if she were dreaming. Alenko smiling was enough of a trip, but drunk, too? It was good to see the man smiling, even if it was in a rather pathetic, drinking-alone situation.

"Well, can't let you do it alone, sir." said Lilith, and grinned. "I never knew you were a secret lush, Alenko."

"I'm not. Just today. Used to celebrate it with couple of friends. Both are dead, now." said Kaidan, enunciating his words carefully.

Lilith's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, sir. If you want me to leave, I will." she said, and began to get up.

"No. Stay. Company's nice." said Kaidan.

Lilith sat down next to him. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" she asked hesitantly. Of anyone, she supposed she was the closest thing Alenko had to a friend. The rest of the colonists were disdainful at best, openly hostile at worst. Lilith felt sorry for the man. She was treated as enough of an outsider, as is, and she had grown up on Horizon! Leaving on scholarship for her engineering degree had been enough for the rest of the colonists to treat her with slight suspicion.

"So, enough about death. Tell me one of your crazy Alliance stories." said Lilith, leaning back against the couch.

"Gah. What's there to tell? I'm an engineer, Lilith." said Kaidan. "Look, I have a rapid Extranet connection."

Lilith brightened. She took a long swig of the bottle Kaidan offered her, then choked as it went down.

"Shit, Alenko, that tastes like robot piss." she said, wiping her mouth. "Rapid Extranet? I haven't had that since I moved back here. I'd forgotten what it was like. It's too expensive for me."

They watched the first _Blasto._ Lilith watched as Kaidan steadily drank half the bottle. Two drinks had been enough to have her head swimming.

"Pass me the bottle." said Lilith, staring at the bottle on the table in front of them, willing it to her hand. She screamed when it began floating toward her.

Kaidan jumped, too, and grabbed the bottle.

"You're a biotic! The others are always saying that you're hiding something!" said Lilith, jumping to her feet.

"What are you talking about? I grabbed the bottle with my hand. This is strong stuff. You must be drunk." said Kaidan smoothly.

"Bullshit! I'm drunk, sure, far drunker than I've ever been on just two drinks, but I know what I saw. That bottle floated over here. Since I'm not Lilith fucking Skywalker, it stands to reason that you must be a biotic."

"Wait, you like old sci-fi movies? Star Wars is classic! Can you believe they actually thought-"

"Stop trying to change the subject!" said Lilith sharply.

"Okay, you caught me. I'm a biotic. Don't tell anyone." said Kaidan, looking at her seriously.

Lilith saw the apprehensive look he gave her, and laughed wryly.

"You think I'm a hayseed like the rest of them." said Lilith. "Where, exactly, do you think I got an engineering degree? Not on Horizon, that's for sure. I've seen biotics before, and they don't scare me. Why are you hiding it, anyway?"

"People don't exactly have the best reactions when they find out you're a biotic." said Kaidan.

"Oh, please. Do you think we'd try to burn you at the stake or something?" scoffed Lilith.

"I don't know. Elan might try." said Kaidan.

"Dad? He talks a lot of shit, but really, he's a coward." said Lilith.

"He's your dad?" asked Kaidan. "I never knew. He's always so harsh on you, though."

"Yeah, it really burned his butt when I left Horizon. Now that I've come back, he just loves trying to discredit me, to prove that his mechanical skills are superior to mine." said Lilith, rolling her eyes.

"I try not to ever use my biotics. I must be drunker than I thought, if I've started casually using them, again." said Kaidan. "I haven't used them in months."

"Why? They're so cool! I'd give anything to be a biotic. May the Force be with you." said Lilith, and exploded into giggles.

Kaidan joined her laughter, and they spent the rest of the night watching old movies. Lilith woke up with a wicked hangover. Kaidan, infuriatingly enough, was whistling to himself as he combed his hair. She looked at him incredulously.

"Don't get hangovers. Burns out of my system too quickly, I think." said Kaidan.

"Lucky bastard. Can move things with his mind, and doesn't get hangovers." muttered Lilith.

"I get terrible migraines a couple times a month, though." said Kaidan. "Head-splitting, puke-your-guts out migraines. Had I not been already drunk when you arrived, I would never have let you drink that stuff. It's made for biotics, so it's super-strong."

"I thought so." said Lilith. "I'm gonna call in sick. I don't care what my dad has to say about it."

Kaidan smiled. "Good luck, and feel better, okay?"

After that night, things were different between them. Kaidan found it was actually nice to have someone to confide in, even if that someone was supremely nosy. Lilith came over most nights after work, if only to use his Extranet and gossip about work.

"I don't know when we are ever going to get those damned towers working." said Lilith, spearing a tomato on the plate in front of her.

"It seems like every time we finally have everything working, something else breaks." said Kaidan mildly. He didn't tell the truth, that he had been sabotaging the towers under orders from the Alliance, in order to prolong his stay on Horizon. Whomever it was that was taking colonies had not shown up yet, a month into his time there. He was beginning to wonder if Anderson's tip had been incorrect. It was getting harder and harder to stay ahead of Lilith, who was an excellent engineer.

"Doesn't help that Dad won't lift a finger to help. Jackass." said Lilith.

"He's not that bad. He just doesn't like being under the eye of Alliance, and sees me as an Alliance spy." said Kaidan.

"And he thinks we're fucking." said Lilith.

Kaidan sputtered, the water in his mouth spraying over the table.

"Don't have a heart attack, Alenko." said Lilith. "Everyone on Horizon thinks it."

"They don't know you're a lesbian?" asked Kaidan. He had figured it out shortly after Lilith had insisted on replaying the infamous "metal bikini" scene from Star Wars. Three times, and with only enthusiastic praise, none of the scornful comments he usually heard from female friends.

Lilith blushed, looking down at her plate. "No."

"What? Why not?" asked Kaidan.

"It never came up." said Lilith.

"Hmm. You know, I wondered why you would move back to Horizon. From what I hear, you were desperate to leave, and left on the first transport ship after you graduated. Now what would a tiny, backwater colony like this one have to offer you? I imagine the gay dating scene here can't be very good." said Kaidan.

"I don't care about dating." said Lilith.

"Not what I've picked up. I have noticed that you nearly always eat breakfast at the little diner down the street. The very same diner with the pretty blonde waitress, your best friend from sixth grade on." said Kaidan, tapping a finger against the side of his face and smirking.

"It's not like that. Karen and I are friends, okay?" said Lilith, her face now a deep scarlet.

"Bull. Have you ever told her how you feel?" asked Kaidan.

"No!" said Lilith. "God, no! She'd think I was some kind of pervert all these years, and never speak to me again! No, I'm happy just being around her. If we never- if we never go past friendship, I'll be fine."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "That's not true, and you know it. How do you know she doesn't return your feelings?"

"I just know." said Lilith. "She would have told me if she had feelings for me."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, shut up! Karen's not like me. She's bold, for one. Oh, and have I mentioned that she's way out of my league?"

Kaidan sighed. "You don't give yourself enough credit. You're a great catch, in any situation, but on a colony like Horizon? You're golden."

"You think you're so clever, Kaidan." said Lilith. "Giving me sage advice on my love life. What about yours?"

"I don't have one, nor do I want one." said Kaidan firmly.

"That's because the rumors about you and Commander Shepard were right." said Lilith.

Kaidan laughed, a little too loudly. "What? No, she was my C.O."

"And you were in love with her." said Lilith. "You think you're the only observant one around here? You brace yourself, like you're waiting for a cold wind to hit, whenever she comes up. And that one time when I slept on your couch? I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw you sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the picture of her you keep in your pocket."

Kaidan stared down at his hands. "Well, you called me out. I loved her. I never told her." he said quietly.

Lilith looked at him sadly. She regretted ever bringing up the subject, watching the anguish on the face of the man across from her.

Kaidan sighed. "What I'm trying to get across is that no one lives forever, Lilith. I'll live with my regrets for the rest of my life, but you have a chance to avoid the same mistake."

The thought of Karen dying struck Lilith like a slap across the face. She felt nauseous to even think of it. Kaidan was right. Lilith had spent the last eleven years in love with someone, never told her, and by god, it was pathetic.

"I'm going to go tell her right now." said Lilith, standing up suddenly.

"Go! Tell me how it goes." said Kaidan, smiling slightly. He had become very fond of the young engineer. It was easy, talking to her.

"Oh, you want details? Pervert." said Lilith, grinning as she watched Kaidan sputter, protesting.

Lilith walked down the steel steps and forced herself forward along the path to Karen's house. Her heart thundered in her ears, and she felt sick with nerves. More nervous than the day she had defended her dissertation. The only other times she had felt this way were her first day on Horizon, eleven years old and terrified of entering a new school, and at thirteen, realizing she was in love with her best friend.

Lilith stood in front of Karen's door. She started up the steps, then went back down them.

"This is stupid." she thought, and turned to go back to her house when she saw Kaidan's head poking out of his door. He grinned, and held out two thumbs up. Lilith shook her head. She went up the stairs, and pushed the doorbell.

The door opened. Karen stood in front of her, her blonde, curly hair in a braid behind each ear. Karen smiled broadly, and the freckles on her nose scrunched up in a way that was so familiar, so adored by Lilith.

"Hi, Lil. What's up?" she asked.

Lilith stared at her. If she ended up wrecking everything, and this was the last time Karen would smile at her, she wanted to remember every detail. The small, perfect ears that she refused to pierce. The slender, golden throat. The brilliant green eyes, which were now ringed with fatigue from long hours spent on her feet. The lush, pink mouth, with the bottom lip bearing remnants of the red lipstick Karen was fond of.

"Lil? Are you okay?" asked Karen.

Lilith took a deep breath. "I have something to say."

"So? Say it." said Karen, amusement showing on her face.

"I love you. I've always loved you, since the first day of school when you traded your peanut butter sandwich for my turkey one. I came back to Horizon because I couldn't get you out of my head. I hated it here, but I'd live anywhere, if it meant I could see you."

Karen gasped, her mouth dropping open, her hand held against her chest.

Lilith searched Karen's face. Karen said nothing, and fear scrabbled up Lilith's throat.

"Oh God, what have I done? Forget I said anything. Alenko was all "Carpe diem," and persuaded me to come and make an utter moron of myself. Please, please don't stop being my friend. You probably think I'm some sort of weirdo, but I promise, I never looked at you when we had slumber parties or anything like that." said Lilith frantically.

Karen burst into high, hysterical laughter.

"What?" asked Lilith.

"All this time. All this time, you frickin' idiot!" choked Karen. "When you left for university, I cried for days. I thought you were never coming back. I loved you, too, you know. I never thought you'd be interested in stupid old me."

"You're not stupid. You're smart, and pretty." said Lilith sincerely.

"Smart? You're the Horizon genius. I'm just a waitress, with more boobs than brains. I'm not brilliant, or funny, like you. I never thought I'd have a chance with you." said Karen. "When you came back, it was like spring coming back after a long winter. Then you started spending all your time with the Alliance man, and I was so jealous. I thought you two were-"

Lilith grabbed Karen's hand, and pulled her down the stairs. Karen fell heavily into her arms. Her mouth met Lilith's, and they kissed, heedless of the curious stares from the houses around them.

Kaidan was tidying up his house when his omni-tool pinged.

_She loves me back!!!!!!!_


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard clutched the bottle in her hand, heading for the sick bay.

"Jane. How are you?" asked Dr. Chawkwas, smiling as the commander walked through the door. Of everyone on the ship, the doctor was the only person who called everyone by their first name. The doctor was also the only one who would dare to address the formidable commander in such an informal way.

"Do you know what today is?" asked Shepard.

Dr. Chakwas thought for a moment. "Armistice Day, right?"

"Yep. Ash used to drink herself into a melancholy stupor every year on that day. Family tradition, I guess. Last year-well, two years ago, Kaidan and I joined her. She kept scolding us for ruining her, and I quote, "doleful crape." Whatever the hell that meant."

"Tennyson. It's from Tennyson." said Chakwas, and then laughed at Shepard's frown. "When you see as much death as I have, Shepard, you tend to resort to petty comforts like poetry.

"Why such old, stuffy poets?" asked Shepard. "I want poetry with a little sex in it, a little dirt and grime."

Chakwas sighed, rolling her eyes affectionately. "Of course you would."

Shepard looked down at the bottle. "Don't make me regret getting you this present."

"Serrice Ice Brandy? Oh, you remembered!" said Chakwas happily.

"I was hoping you'd drink a few toasts with me, to Ash." said Shepard. "She finally got her family's atonement, you know. Now the Williamses are lauded as heroes, as they should be. Don't worry, I won't drink your brandy. I have this" said Shepard, and brandished a flask from her belt.

Chakwas looked at her skeptically. "What is in that flask?"

"Hmm, I think it was called "Bombalita." Jacob suggested it, says its the only he's had that has gotten him drunk."

The doctor laughed. "No, you'll be sharing my brandy."

"Are you sure? I know you're the type to savor it. Me, I drink for one purpose: to get blasted. I don't care if it tastes like eezo, long as it does the trick." said Shepard.

"Regardless." said Chakwas stubbornly.

Shepard looked at her, then unscrewed her flask, drinking down the contents.

"Jane! Did you not listen to a thing I just said?" rebuked Chakwas.

"I did. I'm a biotic now, though, remember?" said Shepard. "Ash used to make fun of Kaidan, saying he was such a stickler for rules that he could never relax. Now, I see why he didn't have anything to drink last time. No fucking point. Oh, Ash."

"She was a good Marine." said Chakwas.

"I know she was. She saved us all. If she hadn't held them off, the geth would have gotten to Kaidan, would have prevented the bomb from going off." said Shepard.

_**Normandy, ten minutes after destruction of Virmire.**_

__Jane Shepard kicked her locker viciously. She had failed, again. After Akuze, she swore to never let anyone die for her again. The faces of her unit, of her friend and mentor, Commander Harrison, swam in front of her eyes. Now Ash, too. She saw Kaidan's glance, saw the pain and guilt in his eyes. Shepard hated being the commanding officer sometimes.

"Lieutenant, we need to talk." she said, walking over to him. "About what just happened, about Ash. Ash was a good soldier. She knew the risks, going into it."

"I know, Commander. But I can't help but think that if we hadn't crossed the line, she'd still be alive." said Kaidan.

The grief currently tearing a hole in her chest flashed easily into anger.

"She wouldn't. You were higher rank than she was, and therefore more important." said Shepard. "You think I'd let flirting sway such an important decision? I didn't get made a Spectre for being sentimental." she snarled. "You're out of line, Lieutenant."

Kaidan searched her face, and nodded. "I apologize, ma'am."

Shepard repeated her lie over and over in her mind until she nearly believed it. Since Akuze, nearly thirteen years ago, she had never allowed herself friendships with crewmembers. It saved her the pain of their inevitable loss. Ash had gotten to her, somehow, with her brash, wisecracking personality. The first friend she had made in over a decade, and they sacrificed themselves so she could live. The whole situation with Kaidan was unlike anything she had experienced, ever. She had never understood why anyone would risk breaking the regs on fraternization. All that trouble, just to get laid? Shepard had always kept her affairs brief and almost businesslike, conducted only while on shore leave, and then only with civilians.

Then she met Kaidan. The first time his brown eyes met hers, she had felt a thrill go down her spine. She brushed it off, she had experienced chemistry before, right? Then she found herself making excuses to talk to him, found herself eagerly anticipating mealtime, when he took his customary place next to her. He had flirted, once or twice, and instead of instantly reprimanding him, she had felt herself grin, heard herself reply.

Now, ten minutes after leaving a good friend to die, she found herself at a loss. She wanted to believe that she had made the correct tactical decision, that she had not saved Kaidan because of the way he made her feel, but she couldn't be sure.

_**Armistice Day, 2 years later.**_

A few hours later, Shepard was celebrating Armistice Day in true Williams fashion: morose and regretful. The doctor was passed out on one of the beds in the medical bay, and Shepard was alone. Thoughts of Ash's death turned to thoughts of her own.

"EDI, are we close enough to a comm buoy to access the Extranet?" asked Shepard.

"Yes. Would you like to be linked in?" asked EDI

"Please." said Shepard. A few seconds later, her monitor blinked. Shepard typed in the words in the search bar she had been avoiding.

"Commander Shepard funeral."

It had seemed terribly morbid, to watch her own funeral. Plus, she didn't want to see how sparsely it had surely been attended. With no family and very few friends, she was surprised a service had even been held. When the video began, she was shocked to see the large crowd. She was surprised further to see the man standing at the podium for the first speech. Kaidan? But he was terrified of public speaking, had once told her there was no force in the universe that could make him speak in front of a crowd. When he began, his voice was halting, nervous. It eventually grew stronger, more confident. The warmth when he spoke about her was clear, as was his anguish. Shepard felt throat close up as he spoke. Why hadn't he told her any of this before she died? Where was he, now?

Kaidan stared at the report in front of him. This couldn't be real. He tapped "play" again, and the hologram popped up.

"This is N7 operative Agron, video log six. The situation with the vigilante Archangel has been resolved. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the man turned out to be the turian Garrus Vakarian, of Commander Shepard's crew. Even more unbelievably, I saw her. Commander Shepard, or someone who is her doppelganger, leaving Omega's largest nightclub, Afterlife. Surveillance videos have disappeared from the dates in question, so I cannot verify my story." Said the man, running a hand through his shaggy hair.

Kaidan felt sick. His new security clearance had allowed him access to N7 files, and he had scrolled through them, curious. If he was honest, he had been reading everything he could find on Jane Shepard. There was so much of her life she had only alluded to. Now, he found this. He watched it once more, then dialed some numbers into his omni-tool.

Anderson answered, looking worried.

"What is it, Alenko? Is the colony under attack?" he asked.

"Is Shepard alive?" asked Kaidan bluntly.

"What? You called me at this time to ask me if Shepard is alive?" asked Anderson, narrowing his eyes.

"That's not an answer, Councilor." said Kaidan, desperation and hope building at Anderson's evasion.

"Alenko, I'm not speaking to you about this, especially over this channel. You are in a black zone, remember? We'll discuss it when you return." said Anderson, and clicked off.

Kaidan immediately began searching through reports on Omega, and found several that corroborated Agron's story. Since he was currently in a black zone, no correspondence other than to Anderson could be sent out, or he would have immediately tried to contact her.

Anderson's reticence had told him all he needed to know, and the spark of hope flashed into a brilliant blaze.

Shepard sat on the edge of Garrus's desk.

"Garrus, have you heard from any of the old crew recently?" she asked, trying to keep her voice light.

"From Kaidan, you're wondering?" asked Garrus. "I only occasionally updated him, just so he wouldn't come looking for me. I haven't contacted him in three months or so, now."

"What is his contact information?" asked Shepard. She immediately programmed it into her omni-tool, tapping out a brief message.

"He hasn't contacted me, and I wonder why." said Shepard.

"Could be in a situation where he can't. Black ops, or the like." said Garrus.

Shepard brightened. "That must be it."

"I know you two were close. You should know, he didn't take your death well." said Garrus.

"Well, I should hope he didn't!" said Shepard indignantly.

Garrus snorted.

Shepard looked at Garrus, who obviously had more to say. "So? What do you mean by that?"

"He snapped, Shepard. Nearly killed Joker." said Garrus.

Shepard sat up straight. "What?" she asked.

"He blamed Joker for you not getting out in time. Rushed right at him, Krogan style, intent on beating him to death with his fists. Luckily for Joker, Alenko was too out of his mind to use biotics, or Joker would be dead. As is, he still had several broken bones. Wrex knocked Kaidan out pretty quickly, saved Joker a lot of damage." said Garrus.

Shepard frowned. "Why didn't Joker tell me about this?" she asked.

"He thinks he deserved it, from what I've gathered." said Garrus.

Shepard jumped off the desk and stomped out. She brushed past Yeoman Chambers on her way to the cockpit, ignoring the woman's questions.

"So, Joker, when were you going to tell me about Kaidan nearly killing you?" asked Shepard.

"Commander! You startled me. Uh, never, if I didn't have to." said Joker. "Didn't see how it was much of your business, ma'am."

Shepard spun Joker's chair, gripping the armrests, her face inches from his.

"It certainly is my business! He tried to beat you to a bloody pulp, over some absolutely stupid idea that you were somehow responsible for my death!" said Shepard. "You made it seem like you had an argument, not a fucking fistfight!"

"I deserved more of a beating than what he gave me, Commander." said Joker quietly.

"Oh, shut up! What the hell got into everyone? I die and my lieutenant tries to kill my pilot. My pilot quits the Alliance altogether and joins CERBERUS, of all people. The turian decides to start up his own vigilante group, nearly committing suicide in the process, and now claims I 'inspired' his actions." said Shepard, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I swear, when I eventually find Kaidan, he's going to get the beating of his life."

Joker snickered. Shepard glared at him and his face paled. "And you! I should wring your evasive neck! If it weren't for you, none of us would have survived that attack. Do you think I don't know what an amazing helmsman you are? I've never seen anyone fly the way you do. Oh, and I saw something else, mister. You didn't come to my funeral, you jackass!"

Joker's green eyes were wide. "Uh, sorry, ma'am?"

Shepard muttered to herself and stalked off.

_**Normandy, two weeks after Armistice Day.**_

Shepard felt the beginnings of a headache. She sat on her bed and stared at the empty fish tank. Her quarters were the largest she'd ever lived in. She admitted that Cerberus certainly knew how to treat their people.

_When they're not experimenting on them, of course._

Her door buzzed. She unlocked it without bothering to see who it was. Miranda swept in. Shepard immediately stood.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I don't know how to ask you this. I don't usually rely on others to help me with anything, but this time, I need help." said Miranda swiftly.

"What is it?" asked Shepard.

"Well, you no doubt read my file, and know about my extensive gene-mods." said Miranda. "My father is a very wealthy, very powerful man, and he engineered me to be, well, perfect. He wanted a dynasty. I left as soon as I was able. After I left, I found out that he had another grown-my genetic twin. I helped her escape, and she's been able to live a perfectly normal life." said Miranda proudly.

"But now he's found her, and he'll take her, if we can't stop him. I've arranged for my sister and her family to move to a new location, but I can't be sure the plan hasn't been compromised. I want to be there, to make sure everything goes smoothly." Miranda's blue eyes showed her worry for a moment.

Despite her dislike of the woman, Shepard couldn't help but feel sorry for her, compelled to do something to help.

"Of course I'll help. You're my crew, Lawson." said Shepard firmly. "Just tell me what we need to do."

Miranda's mouth opened slightly, and for once, she seemed speechless.

"I thought I would need to bribe you, or you would make me beg, or something." said Miranda quietly.

Shepard let out a bark of a laugh. "I still don't trust you Miranda, but like I said, you're my crew. "

Miranda gave her a strange look, and then her face returned to professional aloofness.

"I've sent the coordinates to EDI." she said, and then left as swiftly as she had entered.

"Joker, set our course to the coordinates Lawson has forwarded."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

Shepard puzzled over the strange situation. Miranda had never seemed the type to have any sort of attachment, other than to her beloved Cerberus. This new development rattled the idea Shepard had of the woman, and she didn't much care for it. She was already having a hard time remembering that Jacob was a Cerberus operative, and therefore, not to be trusted. Shepard preferred seeing things in black and white: evil or good. This mission was creating entirely too many grey areas for comfort.

They arrived on Ilium a day later. Shepard saw Jacob and Miranda waiting by the exit. Jack suddenly rushed out of the elevator.

"I'm coming along." she said.

"We have no need for your...assistance." said Miranda coolly.

"Did I ask for your fuckin' permission?" sneered Jack.

"You will stay on the ship, Jack." said Shepard. "We're only stopping for a few hours to take care of some loose ends."

Jack snarled. "Who says I asked for your permission either, Shepard?"

"I hope for your sake that you would, before attempting to exit the ship. Otherwise there's a nice cargo hold with your name on it." said Shepard smoothly. "Now, we can play this two ways; you can force me to lock you in the hold, or you can accept your orders like the adult you are and enjoy your downtime on the ship."

Jack clenched her fists, then turned and stalked away.

"Nicely handled, Shepard."

"Didn't ask for your opinion, Lawson. Let's go."

Three hours later, Shepard stood in a terribly slow elevator, watching Miranda pace.

"Everything points to Niket betraying you." said Shepard.

"No. He wouldn't. He has had too many chances before now to betray me." said Miranda firmly. She angrily turned to her omni-tool, her fingers flying over it. The elevator shot upward, and Miranda smirked.

"We're supposed to meet Niket right up here." said Miranda, stepping out ahead. Shepard saw Miranda stiffen, and she immediately raised her gun.

"Niket. You sold me out." said Miranda, her voice cracking.

"You never told me what you were doing, Miri. You kidnapped a baby-"

"I didn't kidnap her. I saved her!"

"From what? A life of privilege? A rich, easy life?" sneered Niket.

"How much did he pay you?" asked Shepard.

Niket looked at her, then looked down. "That isn't the reason I did this, but yes, he did pay me. A great deal."

"Bastard!" shrieked Miranda, and raised her shotgun. Shepard swatted it down.

"You don't want to do that, Lawson." she said. "We need more information. How long until Miranda's father's men get here?"

"They won't be arriving." said Niket. The mercenary next to him gasped. "I never sent the coordinates for where you planned on sending her."

The mercenary turned, and the sound of her gunshot cracked through the air. Niket fell to the ground, a hole through his head. Miranda flinched, and then let out an unearthly scream.

Dark energy illuminated her, and then the mercenary was flying through the air. The woman slammed into the ground.

Shepard winced at the sound the woman's body made, driving into the cement.

Miranda took a few deep breaths, then turned around, her composure returned.

"She's safe. She'll be safe." she said. "Let's go down to the docking bay. I want to make sure she gets on that shuttle."

Shepard leaned against a pillar, watching Miranda watch her sister. She reached out and prodded Miranda.

"You should go talk to her." she said.

"What? No, I need to remain separate. I want her to live a normal life." said Miranda.

"Part of a normal life is having siblings. Go. That's an order, Lawson." said Shepard. Miranda seemed strengthened by this, and walked confidently forward.

"I never knew." said Jacob, sitting next to Shepard on a bench nearby. They waited far enough away to give Miranda some privacy, but close enough in case any trouble erupted.

"Knew that she had a sister? I don't think anyone knew." said Shepard.

"Every time I think I know Miranda..." said Jacob, shaking his head.

"You guys used to be involved, right?" asked Shepard.

Jacob looked at her. "Did my file say something?"

"It didn't have to. You two raise the temperature ten degrees just by being in the same room together." said Shepard.

"Well, we're both biotics." said Jacob wryly. "Alright, Shepard. I suppose you've earned enough of my trust to hear what I'm about to say. Miranda and I used to-be involved, as you say. Now we're not. She needs a better man than me." he said wistfully.

Shepard raised an eyebrow, looking skeptically at him. Miranda walked toward them, saving him from any explanations.

On their way to the Normandy, Miranda kept mentioning little things to herself, as if she wasn't aware she was speaking aloud.

"She likes the same music I do. She's smart, like me. Funny, too. That's something we don't share."

As they boarded, Miranda's long fingers brushed Shepard's arm. "Can you come to my office?" she asked. Shepard nodded.

"When I left my father's, Cerberus gave me a purpose. A life. They've helped me keep my sister safe all these years. Now, I have you to thank for that, as well." said Miranda.

Shepard's thoughts were a turmoil. "So Cerberus does have you by the short and curlies, then." she said. "They keep your sister safe, you work for them."

Miranda nodded. "That's certainly part of the appeal of working for them."

"Well, I'm glad your sister is safe. You've done a hell of a job protecting her." said Shepard. "She's lucky to have someone like you looking out for her."

"You don't agree with Niket, then? That what I did was wrong?" asked Miranda, her voice uncertain.

"If your father is as bad as he sounds, then you did absolutely the best thing for her. I don't always trust your judgment, but here I'm sure you are right." said Shepard.

Miranda smiled slightly. "Thank you, Shepard."

Shepard recognized a hint to leave when she saw one, and walked out. Miranda watched her go, confusion and a pathetic sense of gratefulness filling her. She had greatly underestimated the commander. Despite all the reports of Shepard's heroic deeds, she had believed the commander had somehow lucked into everything. Then she had awakened her, and her opinion had dropped even lower. Miranda had expected the great commander Shepard to be flashy, to exude power the way the Illusive Man did. Instead, she had been confronted with a relatively normal-looking woman, with mousy brown hair, steady grey eyes, and pale skin that tended toward ruddiness. When Shepard had been coming together on the medical table, Miranda had asked the Illusive Man if he wanted to give her a new, better face. Something breathtakingly beautiful, that would scream, "hero." The Illusive Man had refused, telling Miranda to only give useful upgrades, like biotics and higher blood-oxygen capacity. Miranda had privately scoffed at this. No one would want to follow someone so ordinary, surely.

Now, she only felt confusion and a burning envy toward Shepard. There was something about the woman, that transcended looks or charisma. Something that made even someone as hardened as Miranda reconsider their views on loyalty.

The next morning, Shepard ate her third bowl of greenish mush, much to the horror and awe of her crew.

"How can she eat that crap? No one eats that. Not even Rupert, and he makes the stuff!" whispered one of the navigation team.

Shepard grinned, licking the spoon. "I can hear you, Roberts." she said in a sing-song voice. The man paled.

"At ease, mister. I think you're too hard on Rupert. This is pretty good." said Shepard.

"Yes, ma'am, but you grew up on Earth." he said, then choked as he realized what he had said. "Not that there's anything with that, ma'am."

Shepard briefly considered letting Roberts continue to insert his boot into his mouth.

"There's plenty wrong with Earth, especially where I grew up." said Shepard. "You've heard the stories about slum-dog Shepard, I'm sure. Well, they're true. Compared to some of the things I've eaten in my life, this bowl of whatever- it- is is downright gourmet."

Roberts was saved from whatever he was about to reply with by the appearance of Yeoman Chambers.

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you, Commander." said Kelly.

Shepard stood up. She looked at Roberts. "Roberts, you have dish duty this week." she said. Roberts slumped in relief. From the rumors he had heard about the commander, and indeed, what he had seen of the ruined Citadel, he had been expecting her to pull out her gun and blow his head clean off.

"Commander, you might want to clean off your face." said Kelly helpfully, holding out a napkin.

Shepard dabbed at her face. "I wonder how long it's been there." she mused.

"Probably your whole breakfast. Most of the crew is too intimidated by you to say anything." said Kelly.

"Am I really that scary? Hmm. I like it." said Shepard. "Chambers! To your post!" she snarled, and Kelly jumped, scurrying forward before she heard Shepard's laughter.

"Good one, ma'am." said Kelly.

"Shepard, we have received a tip on the next colony targeted by the Collectors." said the Illusive Man as soon as he saw Shepard.

"Your old crewmate, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed there. The colony went silent a few hours ago. We need you to check it out. This is the most advanced notice we've ever had, Shepard. This is a chance to see the Collectors in action."

Shepard felt the wind go out of her at the mention of Kaidan.

"Has the colony already disappeared?" asked Shepard, frowning.

"The satellites orbiting the colony show all the expected life signs. We believe the Collectors sabotage communication first, to prevent reinforcements from showing up." said the Illusive Man. "In every other instance, communications ceased about six hours prior to the attack. The colony is two Relays away."

Shepard gasped. "We need to leave immediately, if we're to prevent the attack." she said.

"Exactly." said the Illusive Man, and then the lights flicked back on. Shepard immediately rushed to the bridge.

"Joker, I've entered the coordinates for our next mission. On the double, mister." she said urgently.

"Aye, aye, Commander." said the pilot. "We should be at the first relay in just under an hour, ma'am."

Over the next few hours, Shepard cleaned every weapon in the Normandy's artillery. She was noticeably edgy, and the crew made themselves scarce whenever she was around. Shepard couldn't bear to think about Horizon, or Kaidan. She hoped they reached the colony in time. The feeling of helplessness made her irritable. Even Garrus could not coax a smile from her.

"Alenko can take care of himself, Commander." said Garrus, placing a taloned hand on her shoulder.

"I know that. I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about Horizon." said Shepard shortly.

She didn't see Garrus roll his eyes.

As they approached the colony, Shepard stood behind Joker's chair, watching the land appear below them.

"Shit! That's a Collector ship!" said Joker suddenly.

"That's good news. That means there is still time." said Shepard firmly.

"Everyone, suit up. We're going in." she announced.

Jack rocked back and forth, her biotics swirling around her. "Finally, some action!" she said.

Shepard nodded. "Let's kick some Collector ass!" she said.

They approached the colony, which was unsettingly silent. She saw swarms of the 'seekers' above, and cringed. She hoped Mordin's invention worked.

They walked through empty houses, and Shepard's stomach dropped.

"We have to hurry." said Miranda. "The Collectors have already cleared this part of the colony."

They turned a corner, and saw a colonist crouching behind a garbage can.

"Look!" said Jack. "Someone's back there!"

Shepard jogged up, and then grimaced. "She's been frozen. Some sort of stasis field, like Mordin said."

"God, look at that." said Jacob, and pointed further down the trail. "They load them up in these pods."

Shepard looked down at the pod, which was mercifully empty. "Double time, everyone!" she called. She kept a quick pace, rushing toward where the ship was landed. She stopped herself from examining every pod for Kaidan's face.

They came to a warehouse, which, unlike the rest of the colony, had locked doors.

"Miranda, can you open this?" asked Shepard.

"Certainly." said Miranda, and with a few taps of her omni-tool, the door slid open. Shepard held her rifle in front of her, scanning the room. She saw a shadow move in the corner.

"Get out here! Now!" she shouted, unsure if Collectors would even respond to her shouting.

A human man came out, his hands raised.

"You-you're human!" he said.

"What happened here?" asked Shepard.

"I was in here, getting a part for the comm towers, when the sky suddenly went black. I heard screams, and I saw the air was full of, of bugs. I ran in here, sealed the door. They took everyone." said the man.

"What do you do here?" asked Shepard.

"I'm a mechanic. If it weren't for that fucking Alliance goon, none of this would have happened. Horizon was a quiet, little colony. Then the Alliance puts in two huge defense towers. Took a whole new energy grid to even power them up. The guy they sent out, Alenko, can't even get the targeting software to work." sneered the man.

"The Alliance was trying to protect you." said Shepard, her mind racing. How would the Alliance know to put up towers here? Were they arming all human colonies on the edges of the Terminus?

"Pff! We never had any trouble until they came around, meddling!" said the man.

"Come with us. We need to get those defense towers online." said Jacob.

"I ain't going nowhere." said the man stubbornly.

"Fine. It isn't my family out there, getting carried off. You want to be a coward, you go right ahead." said Shepard. She wanted to leave this warehouse, to reach Kaidan before the Collectors took him.

"What am I supposed to do? Hit them with my wrench? I'm a mechanic, not a soldier. Follow the path that starts at this back door. I'll let you out, but then I'm sealing the doors again."

Shepard turned sharply, signaling her crew.

"Commander, I detect defense towers close enough to damage the collector ship." announced EDI in Shepard's earpiece. "I can get them online, but it will take time."

Shepard nodded. "Do it, EDI."

"I also detect enemy forces closing in on your position. I suggest a defensive posture." said EDI.

"Cover, everyone. Collectors approaching!" shouted Shepard. She had seen what the collectors looked like in the video Veetor had salvaged, but it didn't prepare her for the reality.

"Big fucking bugs." said Shepard stupidly.

Jack laughed next to her. "My thoughts, exactly. They'll die like anything else, though."

Die, they did. The smell was terrible whenever one of the aliens burst, like sewage and motor oil.

One of the Collectors suddenly rose in the air, its exoskeleton shining brilliantly, its eyes aglow.

"What the fuck?" swore Jack next to her, and then shot at it. It shimmered, the bullet not penetrating.

"It's using a biotic barrier." said Miranda in Shepard's earpiece. "I'll disable it."

The collector glowed with the blue of Miranda's attack, then its exoskeleton returned to its normal sheen.

"I am Harbringer. My attacks will tear you apart." boomed its voice.

"It talks?" said Jacob suddenly.

"Who cares! Kill the fucker!" shouted Jack, blasting the collector back with a stream of dark energy.

"I know you feel this, Shepard." it said.

Shepard grimaced. "Did that thing just say my fucking name, or have I gone crazy?" she asked.

"It's definitely talking to you, Shepard." said Miranda.

Shepard aimed, and the collector's head exploded. It crumpled to the ground.

"Well, that's one mystery gone unsolved." said Shepard.

"Protect the console. The towers are nearly functional." said EDI.

"You heard her!" said Shepard. They fought through waves of the bug-looking creatures. Shepard heard a familiar rasping cough next to her, and turned. The husk rushed forward, tackling her to the ground, its foul hands clawing at her face. It was lifted off and flung through the air. Shepard got to her feet, and saw Jacob nod in her direction.

"They're using husks! Jack, keep them away with biotics while the rest of us shoot them."

Jack's teeth gleamed in a wild smile. Husks flew through the air, and Shepard was absurdly reminded of trap-shooting. The husks were soon down.

Shepard saw the towers power up, and begin firing at the collector ship. She whooped, pumping her fist in the air.

Shepard heard a strange sound and saw a different type of collector flying toward her. Its mouth seemed to be full of husks, and it was enormous. It emitted a high-pitched whine, and Shepard dove forward. The whine turned out to be the sound of a laser weapon. It hit Shepard's leg as she pulled away, easily ripping through her shields and armor, burning the flesh below. Shepard screamed, and aimed her shotgun, pulling the trigger again and again. She pulled herself behind a shipping crate, the booms of gunfire and crackling of dark energy surrounding her.

"Nothing seems to work!" said Garrus's voice desperately in her ear.

"Collector ship is taking off." said EDI. "It has sustained considerable damage, but seems to still be operational."

Shepard saw the ship's boosters firing, saw it begin to rise. Kaidan. She screamed in helpless rage, standing from behind the crate. The large collector flew toward her, and she snarled. Grief tore at her, and she wanted nothing more than to kill the collector, tear it to pieces.

Kaidan watched from behind the shipping container. He had managed, by focusing on his nervous system, to burn off enough of the seeker venom to crawl behind the crate. He saw the aliens advancing, watched as they dragged off colonists, expecting himself to be next. He managed a weak biotic barrier, which kept the small bugs from biting.

Then, as the aliens were about to discover his hiding place, he heard gunfire. He saw a group of people approach, and it was like the old vids; conquering heroes with blazing guns. The aliens fell easily to their guns, to the dark energy hissing and popping in the air around them. Kaidan was surprised to see such a large group of human biotics. They seemed to be dressed very strangely, aside from the soldier, who was dressed in standard black armor. He propped his gun along the edge of the container. It was useless in combat, now that he was out of ammo, but he could look through the scope. What he saw made his heart leap into his throat. Garrus Vakarian, crouched behind a stack of tires. The human soldier then turned toward him, and her face was unmistakeable. Commander Jane Shepard. Alive. He watched her easily dispatch the aliens. He caught a flash of grey, and saw the husk rushing toward her. He wanted to call out, to shout, but that would give away his position. The husk tackled Shepard. Fear filled him, and the hair on the back of his neck stood up, signaling dark energy about to be released. Before he could move, energy surrounded the husk, flinging it away from her. Kaidan saw the dark-skinned human man with Shepard nod. Kaidan watched as the towers began firing, hope filling him. He had always figured he would be able to tap the few commands needed into his omni-tool whenever the colony was attacked, but he hadn't planned for stasis fields. Then, when he had burned off enough of the venom to move his fingers, the towers' code had shown hundreds of errors, obviously introduced by the aliens.

An enormous alien buzzed past Kaidan's head, and he ducked. It focused its attention on Shepard, and Kaidan heard her yelp as it burned her. He watched the rest of Shepard's group fire on the thing, and it began to slow its attacks. The thundering of boosters echoed through the colony, and Kaidan turned to see the alien ship taking off. He felt sick. Lilith was on there. He had watched, helpless, as they dragged her away. A loud scream pulled his attention back to the battlefield. Kaidan peered through the scope.

Shepard's face was contorted in a furious snarl. Dark energy glowed around her, and then the alien was thrown back into the tower console. One of its wings broke and it fell to the ground. Shepard rushed forward, and leapt onto it. Kaidan heard a shotgun blast, watched as she emptied a clip into the alien, reloaded, and emptied another. When she was sure it was dead, she stepped back, her face impassive.

Kaidan squinted, and realized what the strange logo was on her armor. It was Cerberus's. The reports had been right. Somehow, Shepard had not died, but instead joined Cerberus. Why would she do this? _How _could she do this? Two years, he had spent longing for her. Two years, he had spent half-dead, shuffling through life because of his grief over her death. Why hadn't she contacted him? And now, she was a biotic, too? His mind raced through the possibilities. Had she joined Cerberus for some major payout, for some sick medical procedure to make her into a biotic? The Jane Shepard he knew would never do such a thing, was too strong, too noble to ever work for Cerberus. The awful thought dawned on him that perhaps he had never really known Jane Shepard.

Shepard panted, her arms feeling as if they had been burned. She supposed they might be, from the dark energy that had poured through and out of her. She heard footsteps behind her and whipped around, her shotgun raised.

"No! Don't let them get away! Half the colony's in there. They took Egan and Sam. And...Lilith." shouted Delan, his voice rough with grief.

Shepard turned, rage still burning through her. Kaidan was on that ship, but somehow this cowardly piece of shit was not?

"That ship was huge. How, exactly, am I supposed to catch it?" she asked coldly.

"You did what you could, Shepard." said Garrus, watching the ship disappear into the sky.

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name." hissed Delan. "Sure, I remember you. You're some kinda big Alliance hero." he sneered.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." said Kaidan, finding himself angry at Delan for disrespecting Jane. Even if she turned out to be a traitor, she had still done more for the galaxy than Delan ever would.

Kaidan walked out from behind the crate, willing himself to walk upright, though the venom still made his movements slow. He watched Jane, who looked so familiar. She even wore her hair the same way she had two years ago, brown and chin-length. As he got closer, he noticed new scars on her face, and more surprisingly, that the old scars were gone.

"You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." said Kaidan sharply.

"All the good people we lost, and you have to be left behind. Figures." said Delan. "Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types."

Kaidan hardly noticed the man's exit. He was too focused on the woman in front of him, trying to decide if she really was the woman he had known. The joy at her appearance briefly overtook the rage at her deception, and he found himself advancing toward her.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard." he said quietly. She looked up at him, and for a moment, he let himself savor the fact that she was alive. Kaidan pulled her to him, crushing her against his chest. He heard her gasp, and felt her arms go around him, holding him as tightly as he held her. Kaidan closed his eyes tightly and just breathed her in. Her scent was the same, and it sent a fresh rocket of grief and betrayal through him.

He pulled away from her. She looked at him, her eyes searching his face.

"You don't sound too happy to see me. Something bothering you, Kaidan?" she asked lightly.

Her words ignited the pitch-black rage boiling through him. Two years. Two fucking years, and that's what she has to say?

"Yeah, something's bothering me! I spent the past two years believing you were dead!" spat Kaidan. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real."He purposely used her last name, avoiding her title or first name, knowing she would register it as the insult he meant it.

He saw her face take on its typical professional mask, and it burned him. "I. _I loved you_. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?" he asked, wanting to shake her, to cause her every moment of pain he had been through.

"Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" he asked. Was this some kind of sick game? He watched her eyes narrow.

"I was in a coma for the last two years while I was rebuilt." said Shepard, her voice angry, accusing. She took a step back, crossing her arms over her chest. Her mouth turned down in an ugly scowl.

Cerberus had rebuilt her. Of course. All the evidence pointed to her working with Cerberus, but he had to hear it from her mouth.

"And now we've got reports about you and Cerberus." he said, spitting the last word as if it were the worst insult.

"Reports? So, you already knew, then." said Garrus. Kaidan registered the turian standing on one side of Shepard, watching him with a hawk like glare. So they had gotten to Garrus, too.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one hit." said Kaidan. He thought of Anderson's evasions, and suddenly, he knew. Anderson had known that Shepard was with Cerberus.

"Anderson stonewalled me. But there were rumours, that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy." said Kaidan.

"Our colonies are disappearing. The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to help them." said Shepard, the words bitter in her mouth.

"You can't really believe that! You know what Cerberus is like! We both know what they are capable of!" shouted Kaidan, the rows of the dead children from Pragia filling his mind. Was she completely heartless? Didn't she remember Akuze, Toombs? He had watched her punch her fists bloody after witnessing Toombs shoot himself, had thought that her rage had meant she was anguished. Perhaps it hadn't. Perhaps he had read her wrong, since the beginning.

Kaidan saw her flinch slightly, knew that his words had finally affected her. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like _this. _You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_." He watched her eyes flash in anger.

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies. And they're working with the Reapers!" she said, her voice low, smooth, and deadly. Kaidan saw Garrus tense up at her tone. He saw how earnest her face was, and knew she believed what she was saying.

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you." he said. Couldn't she see? Cerberus had never told the truth in the past, why would they begin now, and especially with the prospect of a prize like the Savior of the Citadel working for them?

Shepard felt as if she were standing in front of the Council, again. At least their reaction hadn't been entirely unprecedented. But Kaidan, the person she had trusted most in the galaxy, accusing her of being a traitor, of being so stupid, so naïve, that Cerberus could manipulate her? It felt worse than the knife that had opened her face at thirteen. Worse than the memory of her feet pounding the dirt of Akuze, hearing Harrison's screams at her to "run, goddamnit!"

"What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?" Kaidan continued. The images from the reports on Cerberus continued to flash before his eyes.

"Damnit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you don't see the real threat!" interjected Garrus.

Kaidan turned his attention to Garrus, opening his mouth to demand to know what they had paid the turian to work for an organization that reviled non-humans, when Shepard's calm voice continued on.

"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts." said Shepard.

"Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one not thinking straight." said Kaidan, glaring at her. "You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be." He guessed it would hurt her, bringing up the Alliance, and he was right. He watched her eyes widen slightly, her mouth set itself in a firmer line. His gaze travelled to the man standing next to Jane, the Cerberus logo emblazoned on his chest. How could she work for them? Couldn't she see that Cerberus was evil, pure, unadultered evil?

"I've got to report back to the Citadel. _They_ can decide if they believe your story or not." sneered Kaidan. Obviously whatever he had to say was not going to convince her. She was blind. He turned, intending on finding whomever was left in the Colony, of walking away from the woman he had once loved.

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan." said Shepard.

Kaidan stiffened. He had believed everything he had just said, and still, he wanted to turn around and join her. Her words, spoken in a pleading tone he had never heard her use, nearly caused him to do just that. It would have been that easy to throw away a lifetime of morals, if it meant he could see her. If she hadn't said the next sentence, Kaidan couldn't be sure that he wouldn't have.

"It'll be just like old times."

Old times? Like when Cerberus had been their enemy, when they had fought for everything good, and right in the galaxy? When he had been sure she loved him, sure he knew her?

"No. It won't. I will never work for Cerberus." said Kaidan. He turned, enough to see the slight tremble of her her hand before she clenched it into a fist. He knew what he was doing was right, so why did he feel like shit? "Goodbye, Shepard." He thought of Shepard leaving without him, maybe to die again, and to his surprise, the idea chilled him deeply. "And...be careful." he added.

Kaidan walked away before he could weaken, before he threw himself at her feet and begged her take him along.

Shepard watched him turn away. Her hand itched to raise her gun, to plant a bullet right between his ears. At less than twenty feet, she could do it with her eyes closed. The gangbanger kid in her howled for his blood, shouted at her to disallow this disrespect, this betrayal. Shepard closed her eyes, feeling shell-shocked. Every worry she had about working for Cerberus had been confirmed by the look on Kaidan's face. Even then, she had expected him to trust her, to follow her into yet another Hell.

Yet, she knew that if had been him who had come back from the dead, Cerberus logo sewed onto his armor, she would have dropped him without even allowing an explanation. And if by some chance, she had allowed an explanation, and he had given her one as weak as the one she had given him, she would have done a lot worse than accuse him of being a traitor. No, she would have been judge, jury and executioner, and he wouldn't have survived past his excuses.

Shepard raised her hand to her ear.

"Joker, get us out of here. I've had enough of this colony."

Shepard saw the members of her crew avoiding looking at her, their faces tight and uncomfortable.

"Never let anyone close to you. Just lets them stick in the knife further." said Jack, obviously thinking her advice helpful.

Shepard ignored her. As soon as she stepped onto the ship, Kelly was waiting for her.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there." said Shepard, and headed for the comm room.

"Good work on Horizon." said the Illusive Man.

Shepard sighed. "Half the colony is gone. Hardly my most stellar work." she said.

"Without you, the whole colony would be gone. And, we learned the Reapers are definitely behind the attacks. Now, we just need to find another way to lure them in..."

"What?" asked Shepard sharply. "Lure them in? I should have known you had something to do with it. Kaidan said Alliance intel had received a tip about me."

"I released a few carefully placed rumors that you were alive, and working for Cerberus. My gamble paid off, and proved without a doubt that the Collectors are interested in you, and by extension, anyone who worked with you."

"You knew Kaidan was stationed on Horizon?" asked Shepard. "You used him, and the colony, as bait? That's despicable."

"I did what had to be done, Shepard. For this to work, you need to be willing to do anything to take them down. You need to put your past behind you. I assume you've severed past connections?"

"None of your damned business." said Shepard sharply.

The Illusive Man sighed disapprovingly. "Your team has to be strong."

"It is. Trust me to take care of the team." said Shepard.

"I've forwarded more dossiers. In the meantime, keep building your team. I will keep working toward finding a way through the Omega-4 relay."

"You do that." said Shepard.

She blinked as her eyes adjusted to the lights turning on. Her reaction to the Illusive Man's questions regarding Kaidan had told her more than she wanted to know about her feelings regarding him.

If anyone on the ship could understand what a complete and utter jackass Kaidan Alenko could be, it was Joker. Joker swiveled in his chair, and saw the look on her face. His eyes widened.

"Never know who we're going to run into around here, huh Commander?" he said lightly, though his voice cracked a little. "I mean, it was probably a set-up, but it was still nice to see Kaidain, er, Staff Commander Alenko."

"Another reminder of how I lost more than time. I don't need this garbage." snarled Shepard. "Fucking Illusive Man tipped off the Collectors. He's responsible for half the colony being taken."

"And you're responsible for half of them being saved. Good work, Commander." said Joker.

Shepard stood in front of him, her arms crossed tightly across her chest.

"Joker, why did you join Cerberus? I need to know. Why, when you knew what they are like?"

"The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Flying. Hell yeah, I joined Cerberus. They gave me back the Normandy." said Joker. "I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do, but at least we're doing something about the Reapers. I didn't see half the fifth fleet get blown up by Sovereign just to sit around, denying it ever happened."

Shepard nodded. "I understand that. Thanks for the talk, Joker."

Kaidan watched Shepard's ship fly away. It looked nearly the same as the old Normandy, and it was jarring to watch it leave without him. He turned to the stunned remaining colonists, who also watched it disappear into the sky.

"Everyone, stay calm. The Alliance will be here in a few hours." said Kaidan. He turned away from their accusing eyes.

He accessed his omni-tool.

Anderson answered, his expression grim.

"The colony has been attacked. Of the thousand colonists, 498 remain." said Kaidan. "It was the Collectors, sir. I watched them load the rest of the people into pods, and then onto their ship."

"Collectors? Shepard was right..." muttered Anderson.

"You should have told me she was alive, sir." said Kaidan angrily.

"I couldn't risk you telling her about the Alliance's suspicions. You understand." said Anderson.

"With all due respect, sir, no, I don't understand. Have I ever proven myself disloyal to the Alliance?"

"There was that one time you mutinied and stole the prize vessel of the fleet, under the charismatic leadership of one Commander Shepard." said Anderson.

"Only under suggestion of yourself, sir." said Kaidan. "I need to report this to the Council. The colony is in need of immediate medical aid, besides."

"Understood, Alenko. Since Shepard knows about your mission now, and vice versa, black mission protocol has been lifted. See you soon." said Anderson, and clicked off.

Kaidan walked back to his house. He packed up his few possessions, wincing at the note that had been shoved under his door earlier that morning, and now sat, crumpled on the counter.

"Lilith tells me I have you to thank for kicking her butt into gear. So, thank you. For an Alliance goon, you aren't so bad."

-Karen.

Grief welled in his chest, and he stared down at his feet, his vision blurring. He carefully folded the note, placing it in his backpack.

He set his pack near the door, and sat in the chair next to the table. Lilith was gone, probably dead. Shepard was alive, but changed, and working for Cerberus. His omni-tool pinged. Anderson worked fast. All the messages from the past two months flooded his inbox. He scrolled through them, anything to distract himself from the horrible pain in his chest. The comfortable numbness of the last two years was stripped away, leaving him raw and vulnerable.

Kaidan clicked on an unfamiliar address, then paled as he noticed the date and sender.

_3 months previous:_

"Dear Kaidan,

Guess what? I'm back from the dead! I have so much to tell you. I hope to see you soon."

-Jane.

Kaidan quickly closed that message, and noticed one from Joker. Curious, he clicked on it.

"Dear Douchebag, ahem, "Staff Commander Alenko",

Heard how you acted on Horizon. Can't say I'm surprised, with your predilection for snapping. Guess you know by now that I'm working for Cerberus, too. So are Garrus and Chakwas. Proves who Shepard's true friends are, huh?"

Kaidan sneered down at the message, typing a furious reply.

"Dear Monreau,

"Oo, 'predilection'. Was a dictionary included in your welcome basket from Cerberus? All any of you have proven is that you're willing to sell your souls to the highest bidder."

He soon heard another ping.

"Did you happen to see the handsome, very fit man accompanying Shepard? Jacob is his name, and he's a biotic, like you. Unlike you, he's not a twat, or a traitorous bastard. He and Shepard have been spending a lot of time together recently. Cerberus gave her biotics, and Jacob is teaching her to use them. Jacob has easily taken your place at her side, and will have no trouble taking your place in her bed, too."

Kaidan felt his breath hiss as he read the message. Joker knew exactly how to push his buttons, and while he recognized it, it didn't lessen his rage.

"Monreau,

Watch who you're calling a "traitorous bastard." It wasn't me who joined a disgusting organization whose idea of research is submersing children in ice water to see how long it takes for them to drown. You, Shepard, and Garrus all knew about the sick things Cerberus has done, and yet, you joined them.

I hardly think Shepard needs you to protect her. It's usually the other way around, eh? Anyway, I never had a claim on her; she's free to pursue whomever she wishes."

Kaidan tapped "send," all the while knowing that the last part of his message was a complete lie. As angry at and betrayed by Shepard he was feeling, he still could not bear to think of anyone else touching her, watching her eyes darken...Kaidan briefly entertained the fantasy of ripping his little house apart, of destroying everything around him. Letting go of his tight reigns on his biotics would be thrilling, watching the walls buckle, the furniture smashed into matchsticks. He ran through the calming exercises he had developed over the years. _Calm thoughts, Kaidan._

Ocean waves lapping the beach outside the Vancouver house. Gulls circling overhead, the smell of salt in the air.

His omni-tool pinged again, yanking him away from his reverie.

"Dear Alenko,

Grow some nuts, would you? 'I've never had a claim on her." Bullshit. You are a coward. You mentioned before that I sold my soul to the highest bidder. That may be, but you should know that if a woman like Shepard ever looked at me the way she used to look at you, I'd join Satan's own marching band to be by her side."

Kaidan stared down at the message, unable to formulate a response. His eyes slid to the top of the screen, which was flashing "six new messages."

Out of morbid curiosity, he clicked on the rest of the messages from Jane.

"Dear Kaidan,

Maybe you didn't get my last message. Just wanted to let you know I'm alive. I miss you. Anderson won't tell me where you are, though I know he knows. I hope he at least told you about me."

-Jane.

"Kaidan,

Garrus reminded me you're probably in a black zone. That makes sense. A lot has happened, and I'm sure you are curious. Please give me a chance to explain.

Can't wait to see you,

Jane."

Kaidan's head was a mess of emotion. He wanted to kill Joker, but even when they were friends, that was nothing new. He warbled between wanting to punch Jane and kiss her. Mostly, he wanted to punch her, for deserting him, for having the audacity to suggest that he would ever, EVER join Cerberus. Kaidan didn't claim to be a part of any biotic movement, but that didn't mean he would ignore the horrors committed against others of his kind by Cerberus, and certainly, he wouldn't sign up to take part in more butchery. It offended and disgusted him that Jane could ever join such an organization.

Shepard spent the rest of the night in her cabin. She ignored the different crewmembers who buzzed at her door. She lifted weights until her arms gave out, and thanks to her new, improved body, her arms did not give out for hours.

Shepard let the exertion clear her mind, focusing only on her form, on the sweat dripping down her her back.

When she could lift no more, she reluctantly slid forward on the bench. She headed toward the shower, and as the water coursed down her body, she tensed, expecting to feel her leg sting. It didn't.

She idly looked down at it. Though the Collector had burned her severely, now, only a shiny patch of scar tissue remained. She suspected even that mark would be gone by the morning.

The modifications had at first scared her, then annoyed her. The feeling that she was no longer human had not gone away, even though the scars on her face were no more prominent than her old scar had been. She reached a hand up, feeling for the familiar smooth patch in her eyebrow. It was no longer there, nor the toughened tissue above her lip. It was almost as if that time in her life had never existed. In a way, for this body, it hadn't. This body had never known anything but the best of nutrition, the best of everything, really. Shepard had not missed Kaidan's accusing glance at her, how his eyes had slid down from her eyebrows, searching for the mark which had, for so long, defined her face. Feeling the smooth patch had always been comforting for her, the closest thing Jane Shepard had ever had to a security blanket. It might seem strange to some, to reach for comfort in something that was proof of a horrible experience in her life, but to Shepard, it had always been testimony to her survival instincts, to her ability to carry on no matter the circumstance. Now that the evidence was gone, she felt a little adrift.

Shepard enjoyed the increased capabilities of her new body. She loved how high she could jump, how fast she could run, how hard she could hit. It didn't stop her from feeling a sense of guilt, though. She had been proud of her old body, of how she had, through hard work, transformed it into the efficient killing machine it had been. The brilliance of her new body felt hollow, her achievements with it unearned.

Shepard padded out of the shower, then stood in the dryer. The tranquility from her workout was fading, and the events of the day were pushing their way back into her mind. Kaidan's face flashed in her mind, contorted in the sneer that he had left with. She pushed the image out, concentrating, instead, on his expression when he had first staggered out from behind the shipping container. His eyes had been soft, then. She felt a flash of anger, remembering his words.

_I loved you._

_ "_Oh yeah? Then why didn't you tell me, before I died? Why tell me now, and then refuse to come to me, when I asked?" thought Shepard.

_Love doesn't mean forsaking everything you believe in. _said the annoying voice in her head.

"Why do I have to be the one to put aside my moral qualms, in order to save the universe?"Shepard asked petulantly.

_Since when do you have moral qualms?_

_ "_Just because I have a rather flexible idea on morals doesn't mean I don't have them...oh, shut up." thought Shepard. She threw herself onto her bed, mulling over the events of the day. If she really thought about it, she was glad Kaidan had refused. Well, maybe not glad. Relieved, more like. It was very likely they would never return from the Omega-4 relay, and for all her fantasies involving Kaidan's brain and a bullet doing a tango, she couldn't bear to think of him dying. Plus, Shepard was a hypocrite. She wouldn't respect him, if he joined Cerberus. This didn't apply to Garrus or Joker, of course. They were her friends, and were thus held to lower moral standards than her lover. It hurt, that Kaidan hadn't trusted her, but then again, his cautious, analytical nature had always been part of what attracted her to him.


End file.
